Good Times, Bad Boners

Ah, boners. What else can be said but thank god for these little guys. Sure they can be a nuisance from time to time, but one must also recognize the comic relief that these bad boys can provide.

In the world of bonerland there are a plethora of options as far as quality, potency, latency and overall hardness. There is another type of boner to strive for that can only be described as being equivalent to 'Nirvana." Two sentences ago I used the word "options," this is VERY important as I could have use the words "choices" or even "decisions." Buuuut I didn't and thats because the quality, potency, latency, and overall hardness of a boner is absolutely NOT a fucking choice. Somedays, your boners are an inch shorter than usual and you feel like you did back in 5th grade when you shot blanks the first 5 times. Other days I feel like I am having a god damn stroke because my weener is poaching my entire fucking blood supply. Without further ado...

1. The Lil Smokie - Awww, so cute. This is the epiphany of the anti boner. The lil smokie is known to have been dipped in barbeque sauce and accidentally consumed by indiscriminate middle school girls. Luckily, lil smokie boners usually subside by the time most people reach high school.
Potency: 1
Latency: 5
Hardness: 8
Quality (average): 4.66 repeating

2. The Des Moines - Like white bread, with mayonase and bologna on it - boring. Also, I went there.
Potency: 3
Latency: 4
Hardness: 6
Quality (average): 4.33 repeating

3. The Semi-Hard Life Boner - This is the sad excuse for a boner when the boneree (person wit the boner) is also on some sort of drug, namely (alcohol, amphetamine, or especially pseudoephedrine aka sudafed) This is the boner that is responsible for 80 percent of all future human births.
Potency: 2
Latency: 5
Hardness: 0
Hillarity: 10
Quality (average): 4.25 repeating (not)

4. The Throbbing Dragon Slayer - This erection breaths fire and eats babies, whole. In fact this boner looks like an extra appendage. Only 5 percent of people are even able to fathom the Throbbing Dragon Slayer. Of all the people able to achieve erection nirvana, 75 percent are of african descent, 75 percent are of caucasian descent, and -50 percent are of Asian decent. If one attempts to maintain a throbbing dragon slayer for more than 5 minutes, you will spontaneously combust.
Potency: 10
Latency: 10
Hardness: 11 -Plymouth Fucking Rock
Quality (average): 10.33 repeating