Awkward Bus Stop Moment

I was out from around 5:30 until 7:30 trying to get my Halloween costume. Didn't find anything but Drew ended up coming through in the clutch. I guess I learned that I should call people before I go out aimlessly and attempt to find a bunch of random costume shit all over Coralville/Iowa City. Oh well, not too pissed off since earlier I found out my Bio test is next thursday as opposed to this one.

Anyways, after this escapade I made it back to the hawklot with Seans car at about 7:15 so I had 15 minutes till the bus came. I had to pee like a fucking madman. I think I may have an enlarged prostate. Isn't that not supposed to happen till you are like 50? I don't think I could bring this kind of problem up to a doctor so i'll prob just start wearing diapers. So I get out of Seans Purpleish (color-blind) Honda Accord and decide to let it out before I get to the bus stop. I didn't want to be gross I just didn't see a bathroom nearby. I saw someone in a car like 200-250m away so I decided to just pee in my empty VitaminWater bottle. That isn't public urination in my book.

I thought about throwing the water bottle at some stupid car I may come across but decided I need karma on my side for at least another day. Besides, my pee smells worse than other peoples pee. So I just set the water bottle down for some other poor soul to deal with. Then I walked to the bus stop and tryed to change my voicemail thing that people hear when I don't answer the phone. It wouldn't seem like a difficult thing to change but it got me into a very emotional state.

I was standing there chilling for like 5-7 minutes. Some gross hick girls pull up in an old Mitsu and ask what time the bus comes. I first check them out for a good 3-4 seconds, I decide they are at best 4/10 and tell them I am not sure but soon. In reality I wasn't sure when the bus came, but if a hot girl would have asked I would have told her 7:30-33, this much I am sure. Whatevs, right after these 2 goobers pull away another SUV pulls up and 4 Jenny Craigs get out. The girl driving was a 7/10 and pretty cute but the JC's looked like they were wearing clothes that moms wear when they are preggerz. I sized them up and realized even though they were fatty bombas, they had potential if they hadn't hit Panchero's so hard last semester.

So I'm standing here texting like a big fucking faggot. I hate kids that text nonstop, the world is passing you by while you are talking to ur stupid friend about playing Mario Kart when you get back. Ne wayz I glance over at the clan of hippopotami just to you know, size them up again. As I make the glance one of them looks up and makes eye contact with me then kind of smiles. Oh no. Like 10 seconds after this, the girl starts talking about finding a boyfriend out at Iowa and how she has a lot of guy friends but that she wouldn't date any of them. I figure I shouldn't be listening to their conversation but whatever they were practically yelling. They continue talking about this for like 2 minutes then the bus comes. I can only pray the eye contact and the change in conversation was coincidence.

Proceeded onto the bus and sat in the back of the bus because I am a cool kid. Not that many seats in the back so I figure I'm safe. Wrong. Group of JC's come to the back and sit by me. Whatever, small bus. Now I'm just sitting their sweating and clutching my phone hoping that Drew will call me back so I can get the scoop on Second Act. It took about a minute of listening to these love starved girls talk about the last guy they hooked up with for Drew to come through when it counted. I tried to keep him on the phone for as long as possible, luckily he called me back twice because he kept getting more good news regarding where to find my costume. This made me look pretty fucking cool because only important people get 3 phone calls in 10 minutes. That and I was texting like a machine.

Bus ride went by quickly and I finally made it back to my room where the only fatties around are the ones I roll.

The Fair Weather Fan

Congratulations Red Sox fans, you have 2 World Series championships in the past 4 years to celebrate. Not too shabby. If you've stuck with your team through all the hardships of the 86 year drought then I have even more respect for you. The only thing I can't stand is that inevitable showing of dorks that have no clue what ERA stands for walking around Iowa City wearing articles of clothing from a team that just won something. Hell, have these kids couldn't name one Boston reliever, let alone 3 outfielders.

It comes with this fact that I present you a challenge. It's super easy to spot these guys, just look for a guy that doesn't usually wear a hat or looks like a sore thumb because he hasn't worn one since the Red Sox won the WS back in 04. Don't just let these schmucks waltz into class like they've been a Bosox fan their whole life, give them a fucking challenge. I challenge you to simply converse with a fair weather fan. Try to find out what makes them tick; what makes this fucked up practice that occurs year in and year out civilized to them. It is obscene that we let this shit go on.

Redemption for the previous Video

Sorry for posting 2 Girls 1 Cup. I knew curiosity would get to most people and they would end up watching it. To redeem myself heres a classic video that Collegehumor just released two days ago. I can't get over how good this video is.

Nothing gross but I wouldn't watch it in a public place since it's best to watch it with the volume up so as to hear all the lyrics.



I don't really have time to post anything interesting or cool until later this week, but I do want to bring up an idea I had last Spring. I saw Elliot wearing a shirt to either Regionals or Sectionals that was all black with the state of Iowa in the middle. It said something like Native under the outline of the state, hence "Iowa Native." I was thinking we could get some sweet ass shirts that "borrow" from this simple design that say "Ultimate" in place of Native. Of course we could change around little bits of it but I think the simplicity of these shirts would make them pretty cool.

Edit - Found an image on google.

Summary of a (solid) weekend 10/20

The weekend began with the car ride to the Champaign area. I had to do laundry otherwise I would have gone in Ed's car which left at 3ish. Ended up in Drew's car with Mike Jo, Elliot and Drew. We met at Hubbard at 8 and left at around 8:10. Stopped about 45 minutes at the Worlds biggest truck stop and ended up getting a delicious blizzard from DQ. The declicousness of the blizzard was completely negated by the smelliness of the bathroom, however. Got back on the road when Elliot pulled out 4 beers that he poached or something. Got to try a unique brew that you don't see every day: Red Seal. Took me a bit to get used to actual beer as I have been on that keystone for the past 2 months. The brew definitely grew on me; I gave it an 8.5/10. Please take that review with a grain of salt as Busch Light is like a 9.5. That and the fact that I've probably only had 10-15 different types of beer in my life.

I had an enjoyable ride up. Learned that Elliot and Drew can quote the Saturday Night Live Jeopardy skits like its their job. Also talked a lot about the IHUC house next year which got me pretty antsy. We were having such a good time that we decided to pick up a 12er of Busch light. Only thing that would have made the car ride better was a blow job from a hot girl with big boobs.

When we got to the hotel all I wanted to do was sleep. I think only 3 people agreed with me though. We got there around midnight and I managed to fall asleep at 1. I was immediately awakened by some of the rookies (Sergei and garret). These guys were flirting with each other nonstop. I don't know if they should be allowed to sleep in the same room anymore because shit went down once all of IHUC was asleep. Ended up asleep for good around 2ish.

Don't really want to comment on the tournament because we played well and I've got mad homework this week. Went 4 and 0 against the likes of Illinois Z (I think), Northern Illinois, ISU, and Depaul. I was happy to start off playing the 2nd best team in our pool because it seems that if you play a shitty team you end up playing down to their level and then play sloppy against a better team later on. I kind of wish we wouldn't have even played DePaul because it may have made us a little bit lazier on Sunday. They were clearly tired as fuck and played zero defense. Following this rout, the hotel crew went to a charming Mexican restaurant in downtown Rantoul. Garrett got served alcohol which is fucking hilarious.

The night seemed to begin after we picked up a couple Sparks from Caseys and then got back to the Hotel. IHUC just chilled and drank for maybe 2-3 hours in the room while watching some Saturday night college football. The Hotel crew was Mike Jo, Drew, Garrett, Sergei, Elliot, Schneider, Press, Crotty, Peter, Mitch, Mike K, Snorlax, Gleason, Me and Dudge. Sorry if I forgot anyone. By my count that is 8 rookies. Something like 6 of them will have puked by the end of the night. But lets not get ahead of ourselves... by some chain of events I did not witness Snorlax and Mike K decided to do a disc race. Mike K started off pretty hot and was about 3/4 of the way done when it all came back up. I was so excited watching the race that it didn't even occur to me that all my shit was literally right next to the garbage can he was yacking in. Thankfully no damage was done. I wouldn't have even cared anyways, I yacked all over my North Face like a month ago anyways. I don't even know who won because I had to take a big dump. I grabbed a brew and went downstairs to drop one in the lobby toliet. I was super bored so I just read the Busch Light can like 3 times while I was drinking it and pooping.

At this point it was like 9 o clock, maybe 9:30. Once I got back up to the room it was time to head over to the party. I usually try not to keep track of how many beers I drink, however, for the sake of this story I am going to include my estimate so the reader will have some sort of idea of what planet I was on. I was One sparks plus, and 4 busch lights up when we decided to head over to the Caddyshack Bar and Grill. By the actions of some of the rookies I don't think I was one of the drunkest yet by any means. Got lost driving to the party because Press, our DD, was probably taking shots in the bathroom.

We finally made it to the bar around 10ish. Maybe 9:30, I didn't really give a shit about time. We all got out of the cars and public urinated right in front of the entrance. I thought that was hilarious. Keep in mind that this is the kind of bar that 35+ year olds go to to just chill and get buzzed, not the kind of place you go on a Saturday Night to dance with girls and shack. I think it may have been a country club restaurant/bar but I'm not 100 percent sure. Anyways, we got a separate area for the ultimate party. IHUC gets in to be greeted by 4 Illinois girls. If it weren't for the keg and respectable bar set up in the corner of the room, we probably would have left. The room reminded me almost of a shitty conference room at a hotel with a bunch of foldable card tables and shitty chairs. It was really awkward for the first 10 minutes.

Much to my disappointment, the bartender girl was checking ID's and then handing out wristbands. I almost cried but then eventually balled up and tried to use Drew's ID. She called me out immediately as she recognized it from 10 minutes ago. I figured she wasn't the type to take an ID away (especially a real one) or to kick me out of the party. Anyways, I got denied a wristband and my confidence was shattered. I then proceeded to hide amongst the IHUC circle and poach 21 year olds beer. Gleason let me chug one of his and then I think Drew got me one too. I basically just laid low for about 15 minutes.

Now heres where things get messy. The bartender girl left the bar area to take care of some business. Some genius told me to go over and take some pulls of the liquor while she was gone. Once we had a look out in place I glided over to the bar and instinctively grabbed the bottle of Jage. It had one of those pourers on it. No matter, I stuck it right in my mouth and completely filled it. I repeated this 3 times until Mike Jo came over and took some hits. I figure each pull was about a shot. After we heard "poach," code for get the fuck out of there because the bartender is coming back, we returned to the IHUC group. I was already feeling the Jage. At this point I probably should have cut myself off but of course I had to keep going.

Had another beer about 5 minutes after the poach of the century. Then the silly bartender left again. Proceed to poach 2 more pulls of Jage. I really considered bringing the bottle into the bathroom and trying to finish it with Mike Jo. How legit would that be? After these 2 quick pulls I was feeling super loose. By this time a game of flip cup (rookies, only girls call it "flippy cup") had commenced. I think I got in for 3 or 4 points and ended up like 2/4 or .500. I think 1 more girl may have showed up along with some Southern Illinois guys. It had to be like 12 o clock by now and the whole party was thoroughly drunk. Not sure which came first, IHUC killing the keg or Garrett tackling Mike Jo into a waitress. Either way it was about time for us to leave. I remember chilling outside and talking to some girls. I don't remember anything that I said, or the ride home. I'm sure some of the things were completely obscene and embarassing. Luckily the girls weren't prizes and its not like they didn't have a good time partying with IHUC.

This is where the story actually begins. I clearly remember everything from the point of us getting back to the hotel. I decided to get Hardees. In hindsight, the nearest Hardees was a 2 mile walk from the Hotel. No matter, I needed an adventure. You know you've got good friends when they let you stagger out of the room with no sense of direction or purpose. I made it 20 feet down the hall when I completely forgot where I was and where I was going. I ended up going downstairs to the first floor, our room was on the 3rd floor. I then made a couple turns and realized I was 100 percent lost. I wandered for about 10 minutes and then made it up to the 2nd floor. Walking straight was extremely difficult if not impossible. I stood in front of 2 doors which appeared to be our rooms. I chilled there for about 5 minutes trying to get my bearings. I knocked on the doors after I decided that this had to be my room. Even though the numbers were nowhere near our room numbers.

While I was knocking I saw someone walking toward me out of my peripherals. I looked right and nearly shit my meal. It seems like no matter how fucked you are, you always have the same reaction to the sight of a cop. Only this time it wasn't just one cop, but 2. Not only that, one had a the sickest cop stache you could possible imagine. He looked like he had spent 5 years in Iraq and was ready to fuck up who ever crossed him in Rantoul. The other guy looked like a straight rookie. He was a huge dork, if it wasn't for him Id have a couple tickets for sure. Stache guy exhibited his alpha male status by saying hey buddy what cha up to or something to that extent. All i know is he said Hey buddy to start the conversation. I was still in a state of shock and it took me 5 seconds to even realize he said anything to me. I couldn't even form complete sentences in my head at this point, let alone tell him "what was up" without slurring and stuttering. I told him I was trying to find my room. He(stache) then looked over at the other cop and said "He's wasted." It wasn't the good "He's wasted" it was the wow, this kid is fucknig retarded, matter of fact "He's Wasted." Rook nodded and he asked me if I was drunk. I kind of smiled and said, "A little bit." I tried to look him in the eye and act as straight as possible while I said this but he still ended up telling rook I was "wasted" again.

Thoughts were racing through my head right about now. I remembered I was fast, I could out run these fucks. I could run down the hall, bust out the door and go to Hardees and get my fucking food. Luckily I still had enough sense to stay put and avoid more trouble.

Ok, so the 3 of us have established that I am "wasted," whats next? The guys must have figured that where theres one wasted kid their are other wasted kids. He asked me if the door I was knocking on was my room and I said no. He said that they got some noise complains and were called in to check shit out. I told him that we were done partying and that my team was asleep. He asked me where I was from and then he asked to see my drivers license. I had a feeling I was completely fucked because I'm 19 and we've already established that im fucked up. I was still optimistic though. I've always wanted to get breathalyzed and I was kind of hoping he'd bust one out so I could see how drunk I actually was. That would have been cool. He mumbled something under his breath about me being from Naperville, I don't think he was happy to see a Naperville kid in Rantoul. He held onto my Id and I was sure it was getting taken away for a ticket or whatever. Maybe thats only for driving tickets but either way I thought I was done.

The guy started banging on the door I was standing at saying "Police, open up." He did it like 4 times and no one answered. Thankfully I was drunk enough to get lost in front of a vacant room. After this, he gave me my ID back and asked me what I was going to do now. I told him I was going to go back up to my room and go to sleep. As he was handing me my ID I completely dropped it. I then bent over to pick it up and nearly fell forward, I was lucky enough to brace myself on the wall. If I would have fallen I'm 100 percent sure I would have gotten a ticket. I then apoligized and told him that their won't be any more problems. He said he didn't want to see me in the halls again which made me feel warm. I started walking down the hall in the opposite direction from the one where the cops came from. Much to my surprise, 2 more cops are walking towards me from that direction. I have never gone from being so amazingly happy to completely depressed that quickly. The cops (one girl one boy) asked me where I was going. I was about to respond when the other 2 guys said that they had talked to me and I was ok to go. Thank fucking God. Crisis Averted.

One problem down, 2 more to go. I still had no fucking idea where I was and had now completely forgot our room numbers. I also had to piss like a racehorse. Called everyone in the rooms number that I had 3 times and no one picked up. Nice. Managed to stumble up to the front desk. Another team was sitting there chilling so I treated them to some entertainment. I went up to the desk and drunkenly uttered "Where's IHUC's room?" Of course they have no fucking clue who IHUC is. They then asked who's name our room was under so I said, "Bradley, Brendan Kremer, or Gleason." They checked all the names and then replied with "Brian Gleason," and the room number. I don't even think I said thank you I just got the fuck out of there as fast as possible. I had to get up to the room before I ran into these cops again.

One more problem down, one to go. A logical person would have thought, hey I now know where I'm going, it will take me about 3 minutes to get up to the room where I can then pee in the toliet. A Winky person would think, hey I'm gonna take the elevator and then get out and pee in the corner of the area outside of the elevator and then walk 10 feet to our room and go to sleep. Fucking brilliant. Maybe I was in it for the rush or the excitement, who knows? I do know that my adrenaline was out of control while I was emptying the tank. Seemed like it took at least a minute. I finished and fled the crime scene as briskly as possible. Got in the room and the scent of urine,vomit, and b.o. caught my attention immediately. Whatever, I was just relieved to have made it back alive and without a criminal record.

Woke up the next morning or 6 hours later still feeling like I was 4 beers up. Decided not to play the first game because I was still legitimately drunk. On the whole I felt like a terrible person. But hey at least I didn't yack, or piss IN THE ROOM.

Moral of the story: If you are funny, you may get a sympathy pass by the cops. I'm pretty sure they just felt bad for me.

The Winky Diet

Whenever you feel hungry just watch: This.

Just some quick thinkies

I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not the most efficient person in the world. Today, for example, I went to class for two and a half hours and then proceeded to waste an hour watching derrick comedy videos that I have already seen ten times each. This got me thinking: I do this shit a lot, I wonder how much time I've wasted in my life doing stupid shit.

Masturbating: I figure since I've been janking since 5th grade this should be a fairly high number. I'm going to make a rough estimate of the number of times I janked each week for each grade I was in. Then I'm going to multiply this number by 15 minutes, assuming a 15 minute jank fest. Then I'm going to add this result to the results of 5th grade, 6th grade, 7th grade and so on.
5th Grade: Once a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 780 minutes or 13 hours.
Note that this does not include preparation time and trying to find pictures of hot girls
6th Grade: Twice a week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 1560 minutes or 26 hours.
So a whole day.
7th Grade: 4 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 Minutes = 3120 minutes or 52 hours.
Sick.
8th Grade: 4 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 20 Minutes = 4160 minutes or 69 hours.
69.
Freshman Year: 14 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 20 minutes = 14560 minutes or 242 hours
Thats almost an hour a day.
Sophomore Year: 14 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 10920 minutes or 182 hours
Focused a bit more on efficiency this year.
Junior Year: 10 times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 7800 minutes or 130 hours
Actually masturbated 14 times a week but my weener was broken for about a month - 2 months from January to March. (Story will eventually be a Thinky)
Senior Year: 14 times a week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 10920 minutes or 182 hours
Back up to my regular quota
Freshman Year of College: Whenever Craig went to class (Once a Week) X 52 Weeks X 5 minutes = 260 minutes or 4 hours
Sophomore Year of College: Not yet completed so can not be included in this data set.

Total = 900 hours or 37.5 days. Were these wasted hours? You be the judge.
* It must be noted that over the summer my averages were much higher.

Playing Zelda Ocarina of Time:
Beaten the game once a year since 5th grade. First time I beat it I believe it said somewhere around 60 hours of in-game time which translates to more like 120 hours of play time.
Every other time I beat it, it took around 20 hours. So the math should be something like 120 + 20(8) = 280 hours. Were these wasted hours? Hell no. In fact, you could subtract 2 or 4 hours from the total of masturbation hours for the time I spent both playing Zelda and masturbating to the Great Fairies.

Time spent on Wikipedia:
Didn't start going on Wiki till like Senior year of high school. I'd say I only used it for like 10 hours in high school. Freshman year of college however, I spent at least 10 hours a week reading about discontinued flavors of Gatorade and the history of every fast food restaurant. So 10 times 52 plus the original 10 gives me about 530 hours or 22 days.

Time spent peeing:
I figure I've wasted hella time peeing. Pooping takes 3-10 minutes depending on what you ate and other intangibles. If I stopped just peeing on my own and instead peeing in the 3-10 minute window in which I am pooping I figure I could save at least 5 minutes a day. You know, kill 2 birds with one stone. If I would have started this plan when I was 2 and kept with it until now I would probably be like 3 years younger. I poop twice a day so the math should be something like: 2 X 5 minutes X 365 Days X 17 years = 62050 minutes, 1034 hours, 43 days WASTED peeing.

All this shit adds up. Ive wasted 43 + 22 + 11 + 37.5 days = 113.5 days. I guess the moral of the story is that Time is not wasted if you are doing something you love.

Glory Days info

Babies R Funny

Let me first explain specifically what action qualified for each statistic. A "D" tally was given to a player who made a play on a disc to induce a turnover. I judged whether or not you had to put forth any effort to defend the disc. If you simply stood there and had a disc thrown right at you that you could just swat down, you didn't get a tally. An "easy drop/turn" was awarded if you drop a fairly routine pass such as a swing. I did not count an easy drop/turn against anyone if it was a horrible throw and the receiver was forced to make a play on the disc.

Now onto hucks. I figure only 4-5 guys on the whole team even throw hucks so why not see who throws the most hucks that are "catchable." The stat "quality huck" is awarded to a player who throws a huck downfield that is either completed or a has an extremely high chance of being completed. A player can be rewarded a quality huck even if the receiver misreads the disc, as long as the receiver had a high percentage chance of catching the disc. A "shit huck" is tallied if a player throws a huck that may lead the receiver too much, be thrown to no receiver in particular, or if it is just a horrible huck. A shit huck is never a completed huck. If a player throws a shitty huck and it is completed by an incredible layout, no stat is rewarded to the thrower.

I also recorded assists which basically told us what we already know: handlers throw the most scores. The other stat I took was the "dumb throw stat" This stat is used to record when players make an ill-advised throw to a player that may not be open. It may be a turf, and extremely low throw, but it always results in a turn. Now onto the Saturday games...

First game was at 9 against Maharishi. Didn't make it in time for this game but IHUC was victorious in something like 13-4 or 13-3. Next game was against North Park. The stats I took didn't reveal all that much about anything. Gleason got a footblock but also forced up 2 shit hucks. He also had 2 quality hucks to outweigh those shit hucks. Shit hucks aren't always bad though. Against a team like North Park who turns the disc a lot, shit hucks can just be looked at as punts. Against a Colorado or Stanford, we will have to take less of these calculated risks because those teams rarely if ever turn the disc. Player of the game was Elliot with 2 quality hucks and 4 assists. Other notable stats were Beltz with a D, Cooper with a footblock, Shark with a D, and Bk with a D. We kept this team in the game for way too long. I don't think we pulled away until it was something like 4-4. The reason they were in the game was because of stupid drops/turns. If we are going to make a dumb throw to a cutter that has a hard mark on him then lets at least be out of our own end zone.

Next game against Grinnel. Stats all over the place so I can tell that a lot of rookies played this game. Adam, Nick, Elliot and BK had D's while Ed, Garrett and Dudge had footblocks. Our team ratio of quality hucks to shitty hucks was 4/4. That doesn't sound too hot but we made up for it in the next game. Easy drops/turns and dumb throws were up this game though. If we can work on lowering our easy drop/turns per game to around 2, instead of 4-5, we will be a much better team.

Illinois X was the 2nd best team in our pool so it wasn't going to be an easy win. I'd say one of the biggest reasons we won was that we made smart decisions. Our hucks were 100 percent money the whole game, 10 quality and only 1 shitty huck. We also only had 1 easy drop/turn the entire game. All of this and 6 d's across the board resulted in a 5 or 6 point victory. Player of the game was Gleason with 5 quality hucks and 7 assists.

Rookie game was fucking hilarious. Mike and Garrett had to have earned some street cred for not being fucking idiots with stupid throws. Dropped pull by "girlfriend" may have nullified what was earned by boyfriend however.

After all this madness I went home and showered even though I didn't get to play all weekend. Thought we were going to go over to one of the girls house after the rookies tore up homecoming but that never happened. Instead, Bradley and I decided to go win 10 straight games of beer pong. We were then defeated by some scrub team for the sole fact that I could barely stand up after 10 games of beer pong. Don't remember exactly what happened after this, there were some girls in the basement from saucy I assume. Garrett, Nick and Sergei got back and I talked to Nick for a little while and then decided to walk back to my place. I believe I ran into a group consisting of Garrett, Bk and someone else. I proceeded to give BK my weed and then walk home. I remember walking in the street the entire time for no apparent reason. Once I turned on to my street which is about a 5 minute walk from Sean's an idea hit me. Keep in mind that I was at the point of the night where any idea that popped into my head seemed like a great idea.

I decided to go exploring. I walked on the sidewalk, barely able to hold a straight path, right past my house. I then sat down indian style on the sidewalk. I pondered my next course of action. Eventually I decided I was going to sneak around to one of my neighbors house and ding dong ditch them. The lived across the street about 3 houses down from mine. A normal person would probably just run up to the door and ring the doorbell then run away. A winky would decide to cut through his yard and his neighbors yard, hop the neighbors fence, and hide behind it in fear that someone may be onto him. After resting for a minute or so Winky then proceeded to cut through all of the rest of his neighbors yards; making his way around the cul de sack to the target house. In the middle of this rampage I remembered that the target house also housed a milf. A new objective was now clearly present: lure the milf out of the house so I can see if shes still a cutie.

It took around 5 minutes (drunk time) to make it around to the target house. My game plan was simple, chill in the bushes on the side of the house around 20 feet from the front door. When the time was right I would walk up to the door, ring the doorbell, and then proceed to a new location across the street where I would have a good view of the door. In the ideal world everything would be executed according to plan. Basically, if I wasn't drunk I think I could have pulled this off.

It all happened so fast, I went up to the door and rang the doorbell. Then I just froze. I couldn't think of anything to do. I didn't even know where I was. I kind of just stood there for who the hell knows how long. I don't even remember if anyone answered the door, I just remember eventually running across the street and into one of my neighbors backyards. I knew that I had to get back inside because I was clearly a liability. Actually that's that I thought after I woke up the next morning, at the time I was probably just really hungry. Went inside and saw that it was like 1:30, fucking stupid. Parents were asleep, thank god.

The next morning I woke up at 8 and tried to walk around but my foot still hurt so I couldn't play. Decided it'd be better to sleep rather than drive to the fields with my BAC still way above the legal limit. Woke up again at 10 and still felt like I was 3 beers up. Ouch.

Overall Glory days seemed like a sweet tournament and I'd like to play in it next year.

10/11/07 Practice

Deductions from the statistics gathered from Ed and Zupan:
1. Dudge is our best player. 4 d's, 1 completed huck, and 2 scores
2. The taller you are, the more likely you are to get a score. Shark and Zack 3 scores, Dudge 2, all others who scored: 1.
3. Zupan lays out even if hes not in the game.
4. Rookies don't play defense. Gleason, BK, Spaulding, Peter, Beltz, Dudge, Shark, and Alex were the only players to get D's.
5. The shorter you are the more likely you are to get broken.
6. Garret is a strawberry blond
7. Most rookies don't have any stats.
8. BK and Gleason huck the most
9. Dumping should not be as hard as it appeared to be.
10. The longer you hold onto the disc, the harder it gets to find a dump.

Overall, the stats don't reveal that much about the difference each individual player makes on the field. I wouldn't give them to much merit, except for the Drops/turns, D, and broken.

5 Funniest People you'll see around campus

Not in any particular order. Wanted to do 10 but I'm too tired. Will add 5 more later on.

2 Xtremes 1st Cigarette at age 2 ^

1. Kid that just picked up smoking cigarettes
I love this kid. He can be seen lighting up immediately after leaving the dorms. It will usually take him around 30 seconds to light his cig, and another half minute to keep it lit. He will ALWAYS be smoking Marlboro Lights. These diamonds in the rough are sometimes hard to spot. They will usually be attempting to hid the cigarette in their left hand. If you really want to try to spot these creatures in the wild then wait till you smell some cigarette smoke then quickly look down and scan the left hands of those in front of you. This little trick always works because "kid that just picked up smoking cigarettes" has no fucking clue that everyone walking behind him wants to push him into the Iowa River for blowing smoke right into everyones face.


2. Kid that blows hard at crossing the street
Fuck this kid. Take off your fucking Ipod and have a look around at this thing we call the world. Just because you can't hear the cars doesn't mean they don't exist. Do you honestly think that it's ok to cross the street 20 seconds after the walk sign has been replaced by the don't walk sign? It's not. And you should also realize that just because you are wearing birkenstock sandals, a messenger bag and a Death Cab for Cutie T shirt does not mean that you are entitled to force everyone in their cars to wait an extra 15 seconds on a green light for your indie ass to get across Madison Street.


3. Kid that sits by same girl every single lecture.
This is one of those situations where I just feel completely awful. Random jacked black dude sits next to same cute (not hot, cute), innocent, blond girl in every lecture. No matter where she sits, he follows her and proceeds to NOT talk to her at all. How weird is that? What can you even do in that situation? The guy is just completely clueless and the girl is probably just hoping he hasn't found out where she lives yet. I can only giggle at this situation. That and thank god that I was blessed with a Y chromosome.


4. Guy/girl who is like 30+ and still in undergrad classes
Another awkward and not even really funny situation. The only really funny part is how fing weird these guys are. There can never be a normal old guy, they all have some flaw. It may be massive amounts of facial hair, attempting to answer the easiest questions with a complicated response, or trying to exhibit alpha male status over the class as they are "older" than the TA. No matter what, old guy/girl will try to act normal; sadly they will never be accepted because they saw the fall of the Berlin wall while we only read about it.


5. Random ass goof that is in a Frat
I absolutely heart these guys. I feel like a little part of me dies every single time I see the most antistereotypical frat guy walking to class wearing a Greek shirt. 90% of my other stereotypes are right, these guys are just statistical anomalies. You can usually tell who these guys are by what they talk about. I usually eavesdrop on these guys at the bus stop or even on the bus so I can be further enlightened of their mysterious ways. I'd say half the time they can be heard saying something to the extent of, "Damn bro if we knew the bus was gonna take this long we could of gotten in another game of SMASH." Its usually a safe bet to assume you have spotted a random ass frat goof or Froof if you see a pack of 4-5 guys, 2-3 of whom are slightly obese, wearing at least 1 high school football shirt and or 1-2 bar crawl t-shirts.

The Urchin

Ever wondered what the sperm of a Sea Urchin look like? Ever even stopped to consider that other animals have sperm too? Me neither. I guess maybe at one point in my life I was an immature kid obsessed with dick and fart jokes. I guess maybe I may have considered that animals have sperm too. But ever since visualizing the scene of a woman fucking a horse presented in 40 year old virgin, I haven't thought too much about animals sperm. Until this morning.

Woke up around 7 with a big stupid boner that I didn't know what to do with. Tried to think about old people and shit so I could pee in the sink before going down to eat but that didn't work. Finally I just decided to jank in the shower. Janking in the shower is fucking boss. I've only done it like 10 times in my life cause I thought it was kind of disrespectful to the act of janking, but that philosophy has since been amended. I wasnt even horny I was just sick of this nagging boner, and I needed to clear my head for my big test at 5:30.

Got on the bus and headed over to Biology Building to go to lab. This lab was some type of analysis of a procedure we performed last lab. I figured we'd be in and out, after all we had a big test later that night. I walk in the room, sit down, and shot the bull with my lab partner for a little while. Eventually I wondered wtf we were going to be doing today because on the chalk board was all this shit about looking at eggs being fertilized under the microscope. So I got up and went up to the front table where all the materials we use to perform the lab are located. I see a standard sized bucket with fucking urchins in it. Urchins are the bane of my existence. They do no one any good, and that's including other plants and animals, not just humans. Anyways, there are like 5 purple spiky urchins in the bucket.

Class gets started, we talk about where we are sitting for the exam and what to bring. Then the teacher, [lesbian bud smoker with a butch hair cut(non-discriminatory, only for visualization purposes)]Katherine, decided to pick up an urchin and start talking about how they procreate. She then picks an urchin up along with a syringe of 5M KCl and proceeds to inject the urchin in the bottom squishy part with the KCl. She said that the KCl will shock the nervous system and make it bust its load, either sperm or egg, all over the petri dish that she placed it on.

I'm sitting there the whole time picturing a couple tiny eggs, dripping out of the bottom of the urchin, completely out of sight from the whole class. While I'm sitting their visualizing this normal, appropriate thought, Katherine starts freaking out because it's busting a fat nut all over the petri dish. At this point my memory gets a little sketchy as a result of my frenzied state. I could not possibly fathom this much sperm coming from this small of a creature. For a comparisons sake, The amount of sperm that came from this perverted, sick creature could have filled up a shot glass to the brim. I'm talking milky sperm, whole milk with the cream on top. This stuff looked exactly like the man juice you and I are familiar with.

This little guy is the little engine that could. I only aspire to be able to bust a load as big as him.

Hillcrest Market Place never ceases to amaze me.

All I have to look forward to after my 2.5 - 4 hours of chemistry every Tuesday morning is the delicious sandwich I will soon order from the Hillcrest sandwich line. Usually it's the simple Turkey on Whole Grain, with lettuce, tomato, provolone cheese and maybe some mayonnaise. You know, the standard American sandwich. Then, out of the blue, something changed.

It all began around 1230. I was doing the standard loop around each lunch station to see what each one had to offer. Fruit was cantaloupe, which is only like a 7/10 for me. I'll wait till apples/grapes tomorrow. Had yogurt this morning so thats a no go. Cottage cheese reminds me of a sick story I heard in high school so I can't eat that anymore. On to the next station.

Mexican station had enchiladas which I really wanted, but I had to wait to see what the other stations had to offer. Chinese station was picked over, other than the 4/10 eggrolls and 3/10 fried rice. Pizza and pasta have too many carbs so that station was off. The other 2 stations by pizza were picked over and I didn't want to wait for them to get restocked so I had narrowed my decision to a sandwich, enchilada, or cereal.

I made my way over to the sandwich station, which I always save for last because if I went there first I would never get anything but sandwiches. Out of the corner of my eye, right around the fruit/yogurt station, I see "it." I could feel the blood pumping through my veins and a slight warmth spread all throughout my body as I read the sign, "Chipotle Turkey Ciabatta." Ciabatta bread holds a place close to my heart having worked with it, consumed it, and respected it all summer at Panera.

At this point I felt that my day couldn't get any better, I'm gonna get a Chipotle Turkey sandwich on Ciabatta bread. Only then did I dare to read the other ingredients listed under the sandwich title. Field Greens (what Panera and I call them), Chipotle sauce, and red peppers. Simply unbelievable, this sandwich and I are a match made in heaven. Now it seemed that my biggest problem was picking what cheese would grace its presence on my masterpiece.

As I got closer to ordering, I had decided on provolone cheese. Seemed like a good balance between the spiciness of the chipotle sauce and red peppers. After I tell the lunch lady that I would like a Chipotle Turkey Ciabatta, I see the sign. Hidden, 3 feet to the left, it reads "Gouda Cheese." At this point I feel a little squirt in my crotchal reason and realize that I have had a wet day dream. I didn't even think that was possible. I immediately ask for a slice of gouda and tomato. I had reached Nirvana.

At this point I sat down and pretty much zoned out. Biology test on Thursday? - who cares, I've got a fucking bomb sandwich right in front of me. Wet spot on my shorts? - who cares, I just had the first wet day dream in the history of the human race.

Farting in Class

In my small interpretation of literature class (20 people on a good day), at around 930 am, a light squeeking noise could be heard anywhere within a 10 yard radius of Winky. No one would have noticed had anyone been talking. Instead I hear a 8/10 girl behind me giggle, and a 2/10 girl next to me smile, giggle, then look down when I look at her. I also see some bros (wearing high school football shirts) about 5 yards away from me giggling and looking around to see who is blushing.

I think, oh shit I can't believe I let that one through. I feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and embarassment setting in. Then it hits me like a brick to the face, who the fuck cares? Why should farting in class be any different than sneezing or coughing or getting boogers all over the place. All of the above are much grosser than farting and aren't followed by laughter. Farting can not transmit communicable diseases and really doesn't bother any of the senses except for smell. Of course, sharting should be exempt from this new standard. If the fart sounds at all wet, if any poop comes out, or if it is above and beyond a regular fart then you should definately laugh. But if its just a regular every day fart it should not be given any more attention than it deserves, which is NONE.

Comments/disagreements?