To all the haters-
I'm taking a break to do some soul searching, fucking deal with it. This is me going to South Africa to reflect on my life thus far. Maybe I'm content, or maybe I want to strangle every anonymous fuck that criticizes my blog. If you're going to write something at least attach a name to it. I mean I'm embarrassing myself pretty much every other week with some stupid story that most people would never think to reveal. Seriously, I'd like to see one of you try to be funny on the internet. To end this small rant, those of you still checking up on WT's, I plan on getting back into blogging next semester.
- Winks
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Wink's Weekend
If anyone is still reading this I apologize for the lack of updates. I had a lot of studying to do because as fucked up as my brain may seem to be, I still have dreams. Heres a quick summary of what I did this weekend, and more importantly my thoughts/actions in certain situations.
Friday night was IHUC bowling nights. The majority of the people seemed to be completely sober. That was of course with the exception of Sanchez and the 2 Josh's. Josh was notably intoxicated and Sanchez was more in the state of "rockin and rollin" as I like to call it. Both were entertaining and made the night more fun.
After we got done with bowling Ashley drove Josh, Josh, Alex, Nick and I back to Josh Krulls. It was around 12ish and they were all sobering up so no one really wanted to start drinking. After we had passed the bong around like 3 times it ended up being cashed on me. Josh said I could pack another bowl with his bud so it was cool though. I wanted to chill for a couple minutes before doing it though so I had the bong like between my legs and the bud sitting on my lap while I was kind of zoning out and thinking about what kind of pet I want to have next year. About a minute later as I am still completely zoned out Andrea walks through the door with like 10 other people. If theres anything in the whole world that I didn't want it was for half of IHUC to show up ready to drink and play N64/Pong. I couldn't deal with that many people in a confined space at this point so I convinced Sanchez to split.
Nothing significant happened after this. We hit Pancheros for God knows why and I ended up only eating half of my burrito. I don't really get the munchies anymore, I just get the thirsties now.
Saturday:
At around 6ish Garret and I picked up my buddy Chris to buy some beer. I didn't want to break the bank by buying a case that would take up all the fridge space so I opted for a sixer of beer i knew I liked. Got a six pack of Killian's and now plan on keeping at least 2 or 3 different types of quality bottled beer on hand at all times. It was still really shitty weather at this point in time but I wanted to go out and drink since it's been a couple weeks. I went over to 737 Swishahouse at like 8:30 to play some beer pong and watch college football. While I was walking there I avoided being drenched by cars passing by twice. After the first dodge I realized I would rather poop my pants then get drenched by a car because if you poop your pants all you have to do is take off your boxers and go camo for the rest of the night. If you get drenched by a car its just bad news bears.
For the first 2 hours I pretty much chilled and tried not to make too big of a scene. It seems like every time I hit Swishahouse, someone ends up doing something that is usually embarrassing or fucking weird. Example A: Tom wrestling Nelson in the hall for like 10 minutes and then tearing down the huge Hillary Clinton sign and the porch screen door. Example B: Winky waking up with a belt tightly strapped around his ankles and a futon drenched in pee. Example C: Someone asked me where we should hid Kirsten's phone and I said up in the light of Andrews bedroom. Kirsten and John can't find the phone for 10 minutes, clip can be seen on facebook.
At like 12 o'clock Andrew came back from a date party and everyone started smoking. I originally wanted to go to the bars but no one else seemed down. I found my way into Andrews bedroom where I was greeted by 5 other people who immediately told me to "close the fucking door." A blizz was already rolled so I came in just at the right time to poach hits. We smoked 3 blunts before taking a quick break. Then we moved to Toe's room because Andrew's computer was in the main family room area. It was Kirsten, Ashley, Toe, Andrew and I chilling in Toe's room for what seemed like 10 minutes but was probably longer. It was cool except that the girls kept playing fuckin Dave over and over again. Dave is drunk music, Lil Wayne is high/drunk music. Let's not mix up the two.
While listening to Dave I nearly fell asleep. I was zoned the fuck out and can't even imagine what my eyes looked like. I was having a great time but was interrupted by Andrew and Toe telling me to get the hell out because no one was gonna pass out in their rooms. I got up and stood outside the door for at least 5 minutes trying to compose myself. I couldn't stop giggling at nothing. After I felt like I got all the giggs out came more and more giggling. I tried to rationalize what I was doing in my head. I kept asking myself, "Winky what the fuck is so funny?" I could not answer that question and went into the bathroom to try to wash my eyes out a little bit while I was still giggling.
I came out of the bathroom and walked down the hall. I stopped right before the point where the family room type area is where the party was going on. I started giggling again and stood there hiding for 5 minutes thinking of how funny things are. I then bolted for the most secluded area of the room in the corner portion of the couch where I could hit myself. I sat there for a couple minutes enjoying the music. Nelson was playing a lot of Mashups which I got really into now. This is most likely because of the "Hearing music while high phenomenon." I sat there and chilled and then Tom sat next to me and we started talking about something. I must have sad something funny because whenever I looked over he was laughing hysterically.
I sat there for what seemed like 15 minutes but was probably more like a half hour. Someone rolled another blunt and was passing it around. It was attached to a water bottle so that you hit it from the end where you drink the water from. It was pretty cool, you would fill up the whole bottle with smoke then hit it, kind of like a bong without water. I was already starting to feel pretty paranoid and my heart was racing but I never pass up free bud so I ended up hitting this shit like 4 times. While we were smoking it like 3 or 4 girls came into the party. Conveniently, it seems that every time I am embarrassingly (word?) high people decide to show up.
I sat there afterwards thought about how fucking terrible I felt. My heart was racing, I couldn't stand up, and I was tired as fuck. I eventually saw a commercial that must have been really funny. I laughed hysterically for 2 minutes. My eyes were closed and my abs were in pain. While I was laughing I overheard everyone saying "OMG look how high Winek is." I was embarrassed for a little while but then I realized that my place at pretty much every small party at Swishahouse is the ridiculously high kid that everyone laughs at. If I wasn't there, who would fill the void?
After I composed myself by pretending that the cops were outside, Tom Nelson and I went to Falbos. I walked to Falbos with my eyes litterally closed. It's amazing that I didn't fall because pretty much every surface we walked on seemed to be frozen. When we got in there it was the regular Rasta man working the register. I tried to avoid eye contact which wasn't very hard considering my eyes were barley even open. I order 2 pieces of pep even though I wasn't very hungry. When we got back I ended up only eating 1 piece and the cheese and pepperoni topping from the other piece. Nice.
I then tried to pump myself up for walking home. It was around 2:30. Swishahouse, for those who don't know is on Gilbert street right by Liquor downtown. Wasn't exactly a far walk, but it would have been at least 10 minutes. There was no fucking way I was walking home.
I told Toe that I wanted to crash at Swisha and he told me I could sleep in Donivans sleeping bag. Toe knew I was too high to function so he got the sleeping bag and laid it down next to Andrews bed complete with a pillow. I remember that right before I laid down I thanked Toe for being such a good mom. I then passed out instantly and had a dream that I fucked Jessica Simpson in the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant. Woke up and walked back home. Also fell flat on my back while walking downhill on a patch of ice.
Overall a 6/10 weekend mostly because of the weather and lack of motivation to do anything on my part.
Friday night was IHUC bowling nights. The majority of the people seemed to be completely sober. That was of course with the exception of Sanchez and the 2 Josh's. Josh was notably intoxicated and Sanchez was more in the state of "rockin and rollin" as I like to call it. Both were entertaining and made the night more fun.
After we got done with bowling Ashley drove Josh, Josh, Alex, Nick and I back to Josh Krulls. It was around 12ish and they were all sobering up so no one really wanted to start drinking. After we had passed the bong around like 3 times it ended up being cashed on me. Josh said I could pack another bowl with his bud so it was cool though. I wanted to chill for a couple minutes before doing it though so I had the bong like between my legs and the bud sitting on my lap while I was kind of zoning out and thinking about what kind of pet I want to have next year. About a minute later as I am still completely zoned out Andrea walks through the door with like 10 other people. If theres anything in the whole world that I didn't want it was for half of IHUC to show up ready to drink and play N64/Pong. I couldn't deal with that many people in a confined space at this point so I convinced Sanchez to split.
Nothing significant happened after this. We hit Pancheros for God knows why and I ended up only eating half of my burrito. I don't really get the munchies anymore, I just get the thirsties now.
Saturday:
At around 6ish Garret and I picked up my buddy Chris to buy some beer. I didn't want to break the bank by buying a case that would take up all the fridge space so I opted for a sixer of beer i knew I liked. Got a six pack of Killian's and now plan on keeping at least 2 or 3 different types of quality bottled beer on hand at all times. It was still really shitty weather at this point in time but I wanted to go out and drink since it's been a couple weeks. I went over to 737 Swishahouse at like 8:30 to play some beer pong and watch college football. While I was walking there I avoided being drenched by cars passing by twice. After the first dodge I realized I would rather poop my pants then get drenched by a car because if you poop your pants all you have to do is take off your boxers and go camo for the rest of the night. If you get drenched by a car its just bad news bears.
For the first 2 hours I pretty much chilled and tried not to make too big of a scene. It seems like every time I hit Swishahouse, someone ends up doing something that is usually embarrassing or fucking weird. Example A: Tom wrestling Nelson in the hall for like 10 minutes and then tearing down the huge Hillary Clinton sign and the porch screen door. Example B: Winky waking up with a belt tightly strapped around his ankles and a futon drenched in pee. Example C: Someone asked me where we should hid Kirsten's phone and I said up in the light of Andrews bedroom. Kirsten and John can't find the phone for 10 minutes, clip can be seen on facebook.
At like 12 o'clock Andrew came back from a date party and everyone started smoking. I originally wanted to go to the bars but no one else seemed down. I found my way into Andrews bedroom where I was greeted by 5 other people who immediately told me to "close the fucking door." A blizz was already rolled so I came in just at the right time to poach hits. We smoked 3 blunts before taking a quick break. Then we moved to Toe's room because Andrew's computer was in the main family room area. It was Kirsten, Ashley, Toe, Andrew and I chilling in Toe's room for what seemed like 10 minutes but was probably longer. It was cool except that the girls kept playing fuckin Dave over and over again. Dave is drunk music, Lil Wayne is high/drunk music. Let's not mix up the two.
While listening to Dave I nearly fell asleep. I was zoned the fuck out and can't even imagine what my eyes looked like. I was having a great time but was interrupted by Andrew and Toe telling me to get the hell out because no one was gonna pass out in their rooms. I got up and stood outside the door for at least 5 minutes trying to compose myself. I couldn't stop giggling at nothing. After I felt like I got all the giggs out came more and more giggling. I tried to rationalize what I was doing in my head. I kept asking myself, "Winky what the fuck is so funny?" I could not answer that question and went into the bathroom to try to wash my eyes out a little bit while I was still giggling.
I came out of the bathroom and walked down the hall. I stopped right before the point where the family room type area is where the party was going on. I started giggling again and stood there hiding for 5 minutes thinking of how funny things are. I then bolted for the most secluded area of the room in the corner portion of the couch where I could hit myself. I sat there for a couple minutes enjoying the music. Nelson was playing a lot of Mashups which I got really into now. This is most likely because of the "Hearing music while high phenomenon." I sat there and chilled and then Tom sat next to me and we started talking about something. I must have sad something funny because whenever I looked over he was laughing hysterically.
I sat there for what seemed like 15 minutes but was probably more like a half hour. Someone rolled another blunt and was passing it around. It was attached to a water bottle so that you hit it from the end where you drink the water from. It was pretty cool, you would fill up the whole bottle with smoke then hit it, kind of like a bong without water. I was already starting to feel pretty paranoid and my heart was racing but I never pass up free bud so I ended up hitting this shit like 4 times. While we were smoking it like 3 or 4 girls came into the party. Conveniently, it seems that every time I am embarrassingly (word?) high people decide to show up.
I sat there afterwards thought about how fucking terrible I felt. My heart was racing, I couldn't stand up, and I was tired as fuck. I eventually saw a commercial that must have been really funny. I laughed hysterically for 2 minutes. My eyes were closed and my abs were in pain. While I was laughing I overheard everyone saying "OMG look how high Winek is." I was embarrassed for a little while but then I realized that my place at pretty much every small party at Swishahouse is the ridiculously high kid that everyone laughs at. If I wasn't there, who would fill the void?
After I composed myself by pretending that the cops were outside, Tom Nelson and I went to Falbos. I walked to Falbos with my eyes litterally closed. It's amazing that I didn't fall because pretty much every surface we walked on seemed to be frozen. When we got in there it was the regular Rasta man working the register. I tried to avoid eye contact which wasn't very hard considering my eyes were barley even open. I order 2 pieces of pep even though I wasn't very hungry. When we got back I ended up only eating 1 piece and the cheese and pepperoni topping from the other piece. Nice.
I then tried to pump myself up for walking home. It was around 2:30. Swishahouse, for those who don't know is on Gilbert street right by Liquor downtown. Wasn't exactly a far walk, but it would have been at least 10 minutes. There was no fucking way I was walking home.
I told Toe that I wanted to crash at Swisha and he told me I could sleep in Donivans sleeping bag. Toe knew I was too high to function so he got the sleeping bag and laid it down next to Andrews bed complete with a pillow. I remember that right before I laid down I thanked Toe for being such a good mom. I then passed out instantly and had a dream that I fucked Jessica Simpson in the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant. Woke up and walked back home. Also fell flat on my back while walking downhill on a patch of ice.
Overall a 6/10 weekend mostly because of the weather and lack of motivation to do anything on my part.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Winkys Linkies I
Website: www.freerice.com
Summary: Improve your vocabulary and help feed kids in Africa at the same time.
Addictivity: 9/10
Fun while High?: 8/10
Fun while Drunk?: 1/10
Winky Review: If you find yourself wasting hours upon hours every day surfing the web then this is the site for you. Now you can finally waste time while actually improving skills that could help you do better on a paper or sound smarter when talking to girls. The basic premise is that you must define a word based on 4 other words that are presented. If you pick the right word, the advertisers will pay for 10 grains of rice to be donated through the United Nations or some jazz like that. You make be thinking advertisers, omg spam, omg popups. However that is not the case, the advertisers can only be seen as icons near the bottom of the screen. Once you get into the zone you don't even notice them. The fun part of the site is trying to improve your vocabulary level that is shown at the bottom of the screen. Words also repeat over an extended period of time which reinforces them even more. Overall this is an excellent site and a great alternative to facebook for killing time.
Summary: Improve your vocabulary and help feed kids in Africa at the same time.
Addictivity: 9/10
Fun while High?: 8/10
Fun while Drunk?: 1/10
Winky Review: If you find yourself wasting hours upon hours every day surfing the web then this is the site for you. Now you can finally waste time while actually improving skills that could help you do better on a paper or sound smarter when talking to girls. The basic premise is that you must define a word based on 4 other words that are presented. If you pick the right word, the advertisers will pay for 10 grains of rice to be donated through the United Nations or some jazz like that. You make be thinking advertisers, omg spam, omg popups. However that is not the case, the advertisers can only be seen as icons near the bottom of the screen. Once you get into the zone you don't even notice them. The fun part of the site is trying to improve your vocabulary level that is shown at the bottom of the screen. Words also repeat over an extended period of time which reinforces them even more. Overall this is an excellent site and a great alternative to facebook for killing time.
A Day in the Life (Of Little Winky)
Now that Winky has his perverted blog he thinks hes the shit. Well thats bull shit, I can summarize the events of my day just as easy as that goof. Thats all he does, summarize shit we already know and add stupid shit to it. Well now its my turn, heres my story. A day in the life of the little guy that makes every day worth living.
So Winky decided to wake up at 8 today... as fucking usual. Well hey the least I can do is piss him off by being rock hard for the next half hour. Lets see if he balls up and goes back to sleep, maybe I'll drop it to 15 if he hits that snooze button.
Scratch that, this guys determined today. Whatever at least he'll wash me for the first time in the last 3 days. Does he really think that rubbing shampoo all over me is going to make me clean. Shampoo is for hair, not whiskers that used to be pubes.
Um Yeah, you didn't tihnk you were gonna get to pee in the shower today did you Winky? I'm gonna be hard for at least another 20 minutes so better luck next time you big homo. Seriously do you even pay attention to me? All I want is a girl to gently stroke me and all you do is study for your stupid biology test that was last night. I mean shouldn't you know this stuff, you are a biology major... aren't I biology? You better put yourself out there this weekend and try to get some pussy or else I'm going to ruin you.
Yeah I'm still hard and you still have to wash your feet. Don't even think about touching me. I'm sick of your shit Winky and I'm not having any of this today. Seriously, until you get a girl to touch me I am going just sit here and annoy the fuck out of you. I'm going to itch at the most inconvenient times and get hard you are sitting on the cambus with hot girls all around.
Ok, it's been 25 minutes and I'm tired of poaching all of your blood. I'll give some back so that you can do good on your stats test today.
Now it's time to get dressed. Um... What the hell are you doing Winky? Put those whitey tighties back, thats right, I need to breathe too. I'd recommend the 8 ball boxers. They are smooth, nonabrasive, and it makes me feel young again. There ya go, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
That feels great, alright now it looks like Winky is getting something to drink. I only caught a glimpse but it looked like a can of Monster. Doesn't that stuff have chemicals that make your me smaller? Maybe that was just a rumor from elementary school. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe Winky doesn't love me anymore. Maybe I have to show him that I'm mad at him. K, I'll do that.
Wow these boxers are awesome, note to self, make Winky buy more cool boxers that make me feel good. Exxxxxcellent, Winky is riding the bus over to the BioScience Library to study. If the conditions are right I think I can pull this off. I'm going to give Winky a NRB (No Reason boner). He thinks theres no reason for it but there always is, you just have to look hard (pun intended). Game plan for now is to get rock hard right by the IMU so that Winky has to try to Texas Tuck before he gets out at the Pentacrest in front of hot girls.
Damn Winky is getting smoother. It's almost creepy how quickly he flipped the elastic on me. This is really uncomfortable but I've gotta hand it to Winky, he got me good. Whatever, I'll leave him alone for a couple minutes and let him get some studying done.
30 minutes later Winky is on the computer doing biostats problems. Winky stop being a fag and look at hot girls at facebook. Seriously, how is you studying formulas that they give you on the test going to help you bone hot girls? Not at all, girls don't like formulas they like weeners and boners. Nice, those girls are hot dude. Maybe you should talk to that girl sitting next to you. Even though shes a 4/10 she looks like she has tiny clown hands. Those could be cool in a weird fucked up kind of way. Annnd she has the same book as you! Shes studying for the same test as you. Damn small world huh, it has to be fate that she has a vagina and is in your same class and is studying right next to you.
Whaaaaaaaat? You're not gonna talk to her? You lame piece of shit what if she has a question about a problem on the practice test? What if she just broke up with her boyfriend and needs weener right now. Ok that was a stupid and improbable idea but you could probably help her out. Girls suck at math anyways and I bet shes dying for you to tell her that you raise it to e to find the CI.
If your not gonna talk to this broad then I'm gonna talk to my buddy Rectum and put you into a world of hurt. Thats right, theres no bathroom in the bioscience library. I'm gonna make you walk to Phillips Hall you dickless pussy. Damn its kinda cold outside, good thing these undies are warm and cozy. Too bad I shrink anyways. Maybe Winks should just stop shaving me every 5 days with that stupid pink shaver thing.
I think I'm going to get half hard so that I piss Winky off when he's trying to poop. What a great idea, not a full blown boner but instead an anti-boner that will make peeing a big hassle. Mission accomplished, we should be in the bathroom in like 30 seconds.
OMG wtf is that smell? Is that yack? It's fucking 12 o clock, why would someone be yacking at 12 o clock? Jesus Christ a kid is fucking yacking in the toliet. Great there are only 2 stalls and I need to rid myself of yellow #5. Winky, we should get the fuck out of her man. This isn't our place. Wait you don't know any other bathrooms? So what if we have to walk 5 minutes to Macbride hall, I can't deal with a guy throwing up into a toliet while I'm doing my business. Ok fine, I'll stop trying to piss you off by getting hard at inconveneint times as long as you get the fuck out of this bathroom as fast as possible. Deal.
Sweet, alright Winks you seem like a pretty good guy. I understand where your coming from, you need some space and I'm totally cool with that. I'll give you some space for the weekend you know, just so we can keep this relationship going. But just an FYI, when you are done with Thanksgiving Break I expect you to get out there and get some pussy. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I kinda like you Winks, I'll leave you alone for the rest of the day. Good luck on your biostats tests.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
@ the Lib
Gots a test for Bio and Biostats on Thursday and Friday so I went to the main lib to hit the books. I fing love the main library. Theres so many people there that I always end up seeing at least 3 other people that I know. I used to think of this as a positive but now i've realized that I get a lot more shiz done when I'm up on the 5th floor by myself. Other thing I like is that theres really nothing else for me to do but study so thats what I do. So I went to the usual spot near the middle of the 5th floor and started reading my bio book. On the way to my spot I saw my bio lab partner studying for the Bio test. He's a cool kid but as I said before, I don't want anyone fucking with my shit while I'm studying. So I really awkwardly tried to hide my face with my notebook.
I was in the zone for like a half hour when this inconsiderate pack of obnoxious girls decide to congregate in the chairs 20-30 feet behind me. Why in the hell do you even go to the library if you are just gonna yell to your friends that are sitting immediately next to you about what happened this weekend. Ok so I sat there for like 5 minutes sizing up the situation. There was one girl who was clearly exhibiting her alpha female status over the group by yelling and controlling the overall pace of the conversation. She talked for about 80 percent of the time and I'm pretty sure all the other girls fucking hated her. Not only that, but she made her self look sooooo fucking lame in front of the whole floor.
She talked to one of her friends about her drinking escapades this weekend. I listened to the entire fucking story and felt like I was back in high school. "OMGZZZ I was soooo drunk that I just ate chex mix on the couch for like evvvver!" Then she explained how, "my parents are toooooootally cool with me drinking in college its like omg so cool." Maybe she goes to Iowa City high or something because this girl was clearly of sophmore in high school maturity level. After listening to her conversation for at least 10-15 minutes I was beginning to develop some sort of a non-verbal communication with the guy and girl studying across the hall. Whenever she would say something absolutely hilarious like, "OMG Roeper, the THUMBS UP THUMBS DOWN GUY!" we would kind of just look over at each other and giggle then nod our heads as a sign acknowledgement. I'm telling you I was downright entertained by this girl. The group left after like an hour and the guy next to me verbally thanked them for peacing.
So now I got to get some studying done. I was reading about endotherms, ectotherms, ecology and a bunch of shit about animals. It really got me thinking. I'm really interested in this shit. I'm thinking I may try to get like an internship at a zoo or something this summer. That or maybe I will just play Pokemon a lot. I also had an epiphany while I was walking back from the library. If I had one wish from a genie it would be that Pokemon were real. Fuck all the money in the world, you can't make pokemon real with a badfsflieillion dollars. I think I would be really good at catching and training Pokemon in real life. I could also probably make a badfsflieillion dollars from catching rare Pokemon and selling them to Bill Gates/Donald Trump.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Things of today
I was just surfing the web today and I came across one of 2 Xtremes favorite pornos. Check it out here. (No nudity/poop/throw up/sex scenes) Pretty cool I thought, I figure 2 Xtreme and the girl in the video would be 100 percent compatible on eHarmony.
Not too many interesting events happened this weekend. At least that I can recall. Went down to Peoria for the state cross country meet to watch former high school take the crown. Props to Chris Derrick for a new course record of 13:52 for the 3 mile course. Unbelievable.
I've got a couple mid terms coming up so that's why I haven't been able to update as much. I've got some good ideas for some new entries that should be out by around Tuesday, so look out for that. Paece.
Not too many interesting events happened this weekend. At least that I can recall. Went down to Peoria for the state cross country meet to watch former high school take the crown. Props to Chris Derrick for a new course record of 13:52 for the 3 mile course. Unbelievable.
I've got a couple mid terms coming up so that's why I haven't been able to update as much. I've got some good ideas for some new entries that should be out by around Tuesday, so look out for that. Paece.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Awkward Bus Stop Moment
I was out from around 5:30 until 7:30 trying to get my Halloween costume. Didn't find anything but Drew ended up coming through in the clutch. I guess I learned that I should call people before I go out aimlessly and attempt to find a bunch of random costume shit all over Coralville/Iowa City. Oh well, not too pissed off since earlier I found out my Bio test is next thursday as opposed to this one.
Anyways, after this escapade I made it back to the hawklot with Seans car at about 7:15 so I had 15 minutes till the bus came. I had to pee like a fucking madman. I think I may have an enlarged prostate. Isn't that not supposed to happen till you are like 50? I don't think I could bring this kind of problem up to a doctor so i'll prob just start wearing diapers. So I get out of Seans Purpleish (color-blind) Honda Accord and decide to let it out before I get to the bus stop. I didn't want to be gross I just didn't see a bathroom nearby. I saw someone in a car like 200-250m away so I decided to just pee in my empty VitaminWater bottle. That isn't public urination in my book.
I thought about throwing the water bottle at some stupid car I may come across but decided I need karma on my side for at least another day. Besides, my pee smells worse than other peoples pee. So I just set the water bottle down for some other poor soul to deal with. Then I walked to the bus stop and tryed to change my voicemail thing that people hear when I don't answer the phone. It wouldn't seem like a difficult thing to change but it got me into a very emotional state.
I was standing there chilling for like 5-7 minutes. Some gross hick girls pull up in an old Mitsu and ask what time the bus comes. I first check them out for a good 3-4 seconds, I decide they are at best 4/10 and tell them I am not sure but soon. In reality I wasn't sure when the bus came, but if a hot girl would have asked I would have told her 7:30-33, this much I am sure. Whatevs, right after these 2 goobers pull away another SUV pulls up and 4 Jenny Craigs get out. The girl driving was a 7/10 and pretty cute but the JC's looked like they were wearing clothes that moms wear when they are preggerz. I sized them up and realized even though they were fatty bombas, they had potential if they hadn't hit Panchero's so hard last semester.
So I'm standing here texting like a big fucking faggot. I hate kids that text nonstop, the world is passing you by while you are talking to ur stupid friend about playing Mario Kart when you get back. Ne wayz I glance over at the clan of hippopotami just to you know, size them up again. As I make the glance one of them looks up and makes eye contact with me then kind of smiles. Oh no. Like 10 seconds after this, the girl starts talking about finding a boyfriend out at Iowa and how she has a lot of guy friends but that she wouldn't date any of them. I figure I shouldn't be listening to their conversation but whatever they were practically yelling. They continue talking about this for like 2 minutes then the bus comes. I can only pray the eye contact and the change in conversation was coincidence.
Proceeded onto the bus and sat in the back of the bus because I am a cool kid. Not that many seats in the back so I figure I'm safe. Wrong. Group of JC's come to the back and sit by me. Whatever, small bus. Now I'm just sitting their sweating and clutching my phone hoping that Drew will call me back so I can get the scoop on Second Act. It took about a minute of listening to these love starved girls talk about the last guy they hooked up with for Drew to come through when it counted. I tried to keep him on the phone for as long as possible, luckily he called me back twice because he kept getting more good news regarding where to find my costume. This made me look pretty fucking cool because only important people get 3 phone calls in 10 minutes. That and I was texting like a machine.
Bus ride went by quickly and I finally made it back to my room where the only fatties around are the ones I roll.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The Fair Weather Fan
Congratulations Red Sox fans, you have 2 World Series championships in the past 4 years to celebrate. Not too shabby. If you've stuck with your team through all the hardships of the 86 year drought then I have even more respect for you. The only thing I can't stand is that inevitable showing of dorks that have no clue what ERA stands for walking around Iowa City wearing articles of clothing from a team that just won something. Hell, have these kids couldn't name one Boston reliever, let alone 3 outfielders.
It comes with this fact that I present you a challenge. It's super easy to spot these guys, just look for a guy that doesn't usually wear a hat or looks like a sore thumb because he hasn't worn one since the Red Sox won the WS back in 04. Don't just let these schmucks waltz into class like they've been a Bosox fan their whole life, give them a fucking challenge. I challenge you to simply converse with a fair weather fan. Try to find out what makes them tick; what makes this fucked up practice that occurs year in and year out civilized to them. It is obscene that we let this shit go on.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Redemption for the previous Video
Sorry for posting 2 Girls 1 Cup. I knew curiosity would get to most people and they would end up watching it. To redeem myself heres a classic video that Collegehumor just released two days ago. I can't get over how good this video is.
Nothing gross but I wouldn't watch it in a public place since it's best to watch it with the volume up so as to hear all the lyrics.
I don't really have time to post anything interesting or cool until later this week, but I do want to bring up an idea I had last Spring. I saw Elliot wearing a shirt to either Regionals or Sectionals that was all black with the state of Iowa in the middle. It said something like Native under the outline of the state, hence "Iowa Native." I was thinking we could get some sweet ass shirts that "borrow" from this simple design that say "Ultimate" in place of Native. Of course we could change around little bits of it but I think the simplicity of these shirts would make them pretty cool.
Edit - Found an image on google.
Nothing gross but I wouldn't watch it in a public place since it's best to watch it with the volume up so as to hear all the lyrics.
I don't really have time to post anything interesting or cool until later this week, but I do want to bring up an idea I had last Spring. I saw Elliot wearing a shirt to either Regionals or Sectionals that was all black with the state of Iowa in the middle. It said something like Native under the outline of the state, hence "Iowa Native." I was thinking we could get some sweet ass shirts that "borrow" from this simple design that say "Ultimate" in place of Native. Of course we could change around little bits of it but I think the simplicity of these shirts would make them pretty cool.
Edit - Found an image on google.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Summary of a (solid) weekend 10/20
The weekend began with the car ride to the Champaign area. I had to do laundry otherwise I would have gone in Ed's car which left at 3ish. Ended up in Drew's car with Mike Jo, Elliot and Drew. We met at Hubbard at 8 and left at around 8:10. Stopped about 45 minutes at the Worlds biggest truck stop and ended up getting a delicious blizzard from DQ. The declicousness of the blizzard was completely negated by the smelliness of the bathroom, however. Got back on the road when Elliot pulled out 4 beers that he poached or something. Got to try a unique brew that you don't see every day: Red Seal. Took me a bit to get used to actual beer as I have been on that keystone for the past 2 months. The brew definitely grew on me; I gave it an 8.5/10. Please take that review with a grain of salt as Busch Light is like a 9.5. That and the fact that I've probably only had 10-15 different types of beer in my life.
I had an enjoyable ride up. Learned that Elliot and Drew can quote the Saturday Night Live Jeopardy skits like its their job. Also talked a lot about the IHUC house next year which got me pretty antsy. We were having such a good time that we decided to pick up a 12er of Busch light. Only thing that would have made the car ride better was a blow job from a hot girl with big boobs.
When we got to the hotel all I wanted to do was sleep. I think only 3 people agreed with me though. We got there around midnight and I managed to fall asleep at 1. I was immediately awakened by some of the rookies (Sergei and garret). These guys were flirting with each other nonstop. I don't know if they should be allowed to sleep in the same room anymore because shit went down once all of IHUC was asleep. Ended up asleep for good around 2ish.
Don't really want to comment on the tournament because we played well and I've got mad homework this week. Went 4 and 0 against the likes of Illinois Z (I think), Northern Illinois, ISU, and Depaul. I was happy to start off playing the 2nd best team in our pool because it seems that if you play a shitty team you end up playing down to their level and then play sloppy against a better team later on. I kind of wish we wouldn't have even played DePaul because it may have made us a little bit lazier on Sunday. They were clearly tired as fuck and played zero defense. Following this rout, the hotel crew went to a charming Mexican restaurant in downtown Rantoul. Garrett got served alcohol which is fucking hilarious.
The night seemed to begin after we picked up a couple Sparks from Caseys and then got back to the Hotel. IHUC just chilled and drank for maybe 2-3 hours in the room while watching some Saturday night college football. The Hotel crew was Mike Jo, Drew, Garrett, Sergei, Elliot, Schneider, Press, Crotty, Peter, Mitch, Mike K, Snorlax, Gleason, Me and Dudge. Sorry if I forgot anyone. By my count that is 8 rookies. Something like 6 of them will have puked by the end of the night. But lets not get ahead of ourselves... by some chain of events I did not witness Snorlax and Mike K decided to do a disc race. Mike K started off pretty hot and was about 3/4 of the way done when it all came back up. I was so excited watching the race that it didn't even occur to me that all my shit was literally right next to the garbage can he was yacking in. Thankfully no damage was done. I wouldn't have even cared anyways, I yacked all over my North Face like a month ago anyways. I don't even know who won because I had to take a big dump. I grabbed a brew and went downstairs to drop one in the lobby toliet. I was super bored so I just read the Busch Light can like 3 times while I was drinking it and pooping.
At this point it was like 9 o clock, maybe 9:30. Once I got back up to the room it was time to head over to the party. I usually try not to keep track of how many beers I drink, however, for the sake of this story I am going to include my estimate so the reader will have some sort of idea of what planet I was on. I was One sparks plus, and 4 busch lights up when we decided to head over to the Caddyshack Bar and Grill. By the actions of some of the rookies I don't think I was one of the drunkest yet by any means. Got lost driving to the party because Press, our DD, was probably taking shots in the bathroom.
We finally made it to the bar around 10ish. Maybe 9:30, I didn't really give a shit about time. We all got out of the cars and public urinated right in front of the entrance. I thought that was hilarious. Keep in mind that this is the kind of bar that 35+ year olds go to to just chill and get buzzed, not the kind of place you go on a Saturday Night to dance with girls and shack. I think it may have been a country club restaurant/bar but I'm not 100 percent sure. Anyways, we got a separate area for the ultimate party. IHUC gets in to be greeted by 4 Illinois girls. If it weren't for the keg and respectable bar set up in the corner of the room, we probably would have left. The room reminded me almost of a shitty conference room at a hotel with a bunch of foldable card tables and shitty chairs. It was really awkward for the first 10 minutes.
Much to my disappointment, the bartender girl was checking ID's and then handing out wristbands. I almost cried but then eventually balled up and tried to use Drew's ID. She called me out immediately as she recognized it from 10 minutes ago. I figured she wasn't the type to take an ID away (especially a real one) or to kick me out of the party. Anyways, I got denied a wristband and my confidence was shattered. I then proceeded to hide amongst the IHUC circle and poach 21 year olds beer. Gleason let me chug one of his and then I think Drew got me one too. I basically just laid low for about 15 minutes.
Now heres where things get messy. The bartender girl left the bar area to take care of some business. Some genius told me to go over and take some pulls of the liquor while she was gone. Once we had a look out in place I glided over to the bar and instinctively grabbed the bottle of Jage. It had one of those pourers on it. No matter, I stuck it right in my mouth and completely filled it. I repeated this 3 times until Mike Jo came over and took some hits. I figure each pull was about a shot. After we heard "poach," code for get the fuck out of there because the bartender is coming back, we returned to the IHUC group. I was already feeling the Jage. At this point I probably should have cut myself off but of course I had to keep going.
Had another beer about 5 minutes after the poach of the century. Then the silly bartender left again. Proceed to poach 2 more pulls of Jage. I really considered bringing the bottle into the bathroom and trying to finish it with Mike Jo. How legit would that be? After these 2 quick pulls I was feeling super loose. By this time a game of flip cup (rookies, only girls call it "flippy cup") had commenced. I think I got in for 3 or 4 points and ended up like 2/4 or .500. I think 1 more girl may have showed up along with some Southern Illinois guys. It had to be like 12 o clock by now and the whole party was thoroughly drunk. Not sure which came first, IHUC killing the keg or Garrett tackling Mike Jo into a waitress. Either way it was about time for us to leave. I remember chilling outside and talking to some girls. I don't remember anything that I said, or the ride home. I'm sure some of the things were completely obscene and embarassing. Luckily the girls weren't prizes and its not like they didn't have a good time partying with IHUC.
This is where the story actually begins. I clearly remember everything from the point of us getting back to the hotel. I decided to get Hardees. In hindsight, the nearest Hardees was a 2 mile walk from the Hotel. No matter, I needed an adventure. You know you've got good friends when they let you stagger out of the room with no sense of direction or purpose. I made it 20 feet down the hall when I completely forgot where I was and where I was going. I ended up going downstairs to the first floor, our room was on the 3rd floor. I then made a couple turns and realized I was 100 percent lost. I wandered for about 10 minutes and then made it up to the 2nd floor. Walking straight was extremely difficult if not impossible. I stood in front of 2 doors which appeared to be our rooms. I chilled there for about 5 minutes trying to get my bearings. I knocked on the doors after I decided that this had to be my room. Even though the numbers were nowhere near our room numbers.
While I was knocking I saw someone walking toward me out of my peripherals. I looked right and nearly shit my meal. It seems like no matter how fucked you are, you always have the same reaction to the sight of a cop. Only this time it wasn't just one cop, but 2. Not only that, one had a the sickest cop stache you could possible imagine. He looked like he had spent 5 years in Iraq and was ready to fuck up who ever crossed him in Rantoul. The other guy looked like a straight rookie. He was a huge dork, if it wasn't for him Id have a couple tickets for sure. Stache guy exhibited his alpha male status by saying hey buddy what cha up to or something to that extent. All i know is he said Hey buddy to start the conversation. I was still in a state of shock and it took me 5 seconds to even realize he said anything to me. I couldn't even form complete sentences in my head at this point, let alone tell him "what was up" without slurring and stuttering. I told him I was trying to find my room. He(stache) then looked over at the other cop and said "He's wasted." It wasn't the good "He's wasted" it was the wow, this kid is fucknig retarded, matter of fact "He's Wasted." Rook nodded and he asked me if I was drunk. I kind of smiled and said, "A little bit." I tried to look him in the eye and act as straight as possible while I said this but he still ended up telling rook I was "wasted" again.
Thoughts were racing through my head right about now. I remembered I was fast, I could out run these fucks. I could run down the hall, bust out the door and go to Hardees and get my fucking food. Luckily I still had enough sense to stay put and avoid more trouble.
Ok, so the 3 of us have established that I am "wasted," whats next? The guys must have figured that where theres one wasted kid their are other wasted kids. He asked me if the door I was knocking on was my room and I said no. He said that they got some noise complains and were called in to check shit out. I told him that we were done partying and that my team was asleep. He asked me where I was from and then he asked to see my drivers license. I had a feeling I was completely fucked because I'm 19 and we've already established that im fucked up. I was still optimistic though. I've always wanted to get breathalyzed and I was kind of hoping he'd bust one out so I could see how drunk I actually was. That would have been cool. He mumbled something under his breath about me being from Naperville, I don't think he was happy to see a Naperville kid in Rantoul. He held onto my Id and I was sure it was getting taken away for a ticket or whatever. Maybe thats only for driving tickets but either way I thought I was done.
The guy started banging on the door I was standing at saying "Police, open up." He did it like 4 times and no one answered. Thankfully I was drunk enough to get lost in front of a vacant room. After this, he gave me my ID back and asked me what I was going to do now. I told him I was going to go back up to my room and go to sleep. As he was handing me my ID I completely dropped it. I then bent over to pick it up and nearly fell forward, I was lucky enough to brace myself on the wall. If I would have fallen I'm 100 percent sure I would have gotten a ticket. I then apoligized and told him that their won't be any more problems. He said he didn't want to see me in the halls again which made me feel warm. I started walking down the hall in the opposite direction from the one where the cops came from. Much to my surprise, 2 more cops are walking towards me from that direction. I have never gone from being so amazingly happy to completely depressed that quickly. The cops (one girl one boy) asked me where I was going. I was about to respond when the other 2 guys said that they had talked to me and I was ok to go. Thank fucking God. Crisis Averted.
One problem down, 2 more to go. I still had no fucking idea where I was and had now completely forgot our room numbers. I also had to piss like a racehorse. Called everyone in the rooms number that I had 3 times and no one picked up. Nice. Managed to stumble up to the front desk. Another team was sitting there chilling so I treated them to some entertainment. I went up to the desk and drunkenly uttered "Where's IHUC's room?" Of course they have no fucking clue who IHUC is. They then asked who's name our room was under so I said, "Bradley, Brendan Kremer, or Gleason." They checked all the names and then replied with "Brian Gleason," and the room number. I don't even think I said thank you I just got the fuck out of there as fast as possible. I had to get up to the room before I ran into these cops again.
One more problem down, one to go. A logical person would have thought, hey I now know where I'm going, it will take me about 3 minutes to get up to the room where I can then pee in the toliet. A Winky person would think, hey I'm gonna take the elevator and then get out and pee in the corner of the area outside of the elevator and then walk 10 feet to our room and go to sleep. Fucking brilliant. Maybe I was in it for the rush or the excitement, who knows? I do know that my adrenaline was out of control while I was emptying the tank. Seemed like it took at least a minute. I finished and fled the crime scene as briskly as possible. Got in the room and the scent of urine,vomit, and b.o. caught my attention immediately. Whatever, I was just relieved to have made it back alive and without a criminal record.
Woke up the next morning or 6 hours later still feeling like I was 4 beers up. Decided not to play the first game because I was still legitimately drunk. On the whole I felt like a terrible person. But hey at least I didn't yack, or piss IN THE ROOM.
Moral of the story: If you are funny, you may get a sympathy pass by the cops. I'm pretty sure they just felt bad for me.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Just some quick thinkies
I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not the most efficient person in the world. Today, for example, I went to class for two and a half hours and then proceeded to waste an hour watching derrick comedy videos that I have already seen ten times each. This got me thinking: I do this shit a lot, I wonder how much time I've wasted in my life doing stupid shit.
Masturbating: I figure since I've been janking since 5th grade this should be a fairly high number. I'm going to make a rough estimate of the number of times I janked each week for each grade I was in. Then I'm going to multiply this number by 15 minutes, assuming a 15 minute jank fest. Then I'm going to add this result to the results of 5th grade, 6th grade, 7th grade and so on.
5th Grade: Once a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 780 minutes or 13 hours.
Note that this does not include preparation time and trying to find pictures of hot girls
6th Grade: Twice a week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 1560 minutes or 26 hours.
So a whole day.
7th Grade: 4 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 Minutes = 3120 minutes or 52 hours.
Sick.
8th Grade: 4 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 20 Minutes = 4160 minutes or 69 hours.
69.
Freshman Year: 14 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 20 minutes = 14560 minutes or 242 hours
Thats almost an hour a day.
Sophomore Year: 14 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 10920 minutes or 182 hours
Focused a bit more on efficiency this year.
Junior Year: 10 times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 7800 minutes or 130 hours
Actually masturbated 14 times a week but my weener was broken for about a month - 2 months from January to March. (Story will eventually be a Thinky)
Senior Year: 14 times a week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 10920 minutes or 182 hours
Back up to my regular quota
Freshman Year of College: Whenever Craig went to class (Once a Week) X 52 Weeks X 5 minutes = 260 minutes or 4 hours
Sophomore Year of College: Not yet completed so can not be included in this data set.
Total = 900 hours or 37.5 days. Were these wasted hours? You be the judge.
* It must be noted that over the summer my averages were much higher.
Playing Zelda Ocarina of Time:
Beaten the game once a year since 5th grade. First time I beat it I believe it said somewhere around 60 hours of in-game time which translates to more like 120 hours of play time.
Every other time I beat it, it took around 20 hours. So the math should be something like 120 + 20(8) = 280 hours. Were these wasted hours? Hell no. In fact, you could subtract 2 or 4 hours from the total of masturbation hours for the time I spent both playing Zelda and masturbating to the Great Fairies.
Time spent on Wikipedia:
Didn't start going on Wiki till like Senior year of high school. I'd say I only used it for like 10 hours in high school. Freshman year of college however, I spent at least 10 hours a week reading about discontinued flavors of Gatorade and the history of every fast food restaurant. So 10 times 52 plus the original 10 gives me about 530 hours or 22 days.
Time spent peeing:
I figure I've wasted hella time peeing. Pooping takes 3-10 minutes depending on what you ate and other intangibles. If I stopped just peeing on my own and instead peeing in the 3-10 minute window in which I am pooping I figure I could save at least 5 minutes a day. You know, kill 2 birds with one stone. If I would have started this plan when I was 2 and kept with it until now I would probably be like 3 years younger. I poop twice a day so the math should be something like: 2 X 5 minutes X 365 Days X 17 years = 62050 minutes, 1034 hours, 43 days WASTED peeing.
All this shit adds up. Ive wasted 43 + 22 + 11 + 37.5 days = 113.5 days. I guess the moral of the story is that Time is not wasted if you are doing something you love.
Masturbating: I figure since I've been janking since 5th grade this should be a fairly high number. I'm going to make a rough estimate of the number of times I janked each week for each grade I was in. Then I'm going to multiply this number by 15 minutes, assuming a 15 minute jank fest. Then I'm going to add this result to the results of 5th grade, 6th grade, 7th grade and so on.
5th Grade: Once a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 780 minutes or 13 hours.
Note that this does not include preparation time and trying to find pictures of hot girls
6th Grade: Twice a week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 1560 minutes or 26 hours.
So a whole day.
7th Grade: 4 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 Minutes = 3120 minutes or 52 hours.
Sick.
8th Grade: 4 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 20 Minutes = 4160 minutes or 69 hours.
69.
Freshman Year: 14 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 20 minutes = 14560 minutes or 242 hours
Thats almost an hour a day.
Sophomore Year: 14 Times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 10920 minutes or 182 hours
Focused a bit more on efficiency this year.
Junior Year: 10 times a Week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 7800 minutes or 130 hours
Actually masturbated 14 times a week but my weener was broken for about a month - 2 months from January to March. (Story will eventually be a Thinky)
Senior Year: 14 times a week X 52 Weeks X 15 minutes = 10920 minutes or 182 hours
Back up to my regular quota
Freshman Year of College: Whenever Craig went to class (Once a Week) X 52 Weeks X 5 minutes = 260 minutes or 4 hours
Sophomore Year of College: Not yet completed so can not be included in this data set.
Total = 900 hours or 37.5 days. Were these wasted hours? You be the judge.
* It must be noted that over the summer my averages were much higher.
Playing Zelda Ocarina of Time:
Beaten the game once a year since 5th grade. First time I beat it I believe it said somewhere around 60 hours of in-game time which translates to more like 120 hours of play time.
Every other time I beat it, it took around 20 hours. So the math should be something like 120 + 20(8) = 280 hours. Were these wasted hours? Hell no. In fact, you could subtract 2 or 4 hours from the total of masturbation hours for the time I spent both playing Zelda and masturbating to the Great Fairies.
Time spent on Wikipedia:
Didn't start going on Wiki till like Senior year of high school. I'd say I only used it for like 10 hours in high school. Freshman year of college however, I spent at least 10 hours a week reading about discontinued flavors of Gatorade and the history of every fast food restaurant. So 10 times 52 plus the original 10 gives me about 530 hours or 22 days.
Time spent peeing:
I figure I've wasted hella time peeing. Pooping takes 3-10 minutes depending on what you ate and other intangibles. If I stopped just peeing on my own and instead peeing in the 3-10 minute window in which I am pooping I figure I could save at least 5 minutes a day. You know, kill 2 birds with one stone. If I would have started this plan when I was 2 and kept with it until now I would probably be like 3 years younger. I poop twice a day so the math should be something like: 2 X 5 minutes X 365 Days X 17 years = 62050 minutes, 1034 hours, 43 days WASTED peeing.
All this shit adds up. Ive wasted 43 + 22 + 11 + 37.5 days = 113.5 days. I guess the moral of the story is that Time is not wasted if you are doing something you love.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Glory Days info
Babies R FunnyLet me first explain specifically what action qualified for each statistic. A "D" tally was given to a player who made a play on a disc to induce a turnover. I judged whether or not you had to put forth any effort to defend the disc. If you simply stood there and had a disc thrown right at you that you could just swat down, you didn't get a tally. An "easy drop/turn" was awarded if you drop a fairly routine pass such as a swing. I did not count an easy drop/turn against anyone if it was a horrible throw and the receiver was forced to make a play on the disc.
Now onto hucks. I figure only 4-5 guys on the whole team even throw hucks so why not see who throws the most hucks that are "catchable." The stat "quality huck" is awarded to a player who throws a huck downfield that is either completed or a has an extremely high chance of being completed. A player can be rewarded a quality huck even if the receiver misreads the disc, as long as the receiver had a high percentage chance of catching the disc. A "shit huck" is tallied if a player throws a huck that may lead the receiver too much, be thrown to no receiver in particular, or if it is just a horrible huck. A shit huck is never a completed huck. If a player throws a shitty huck and it is completed by an incredible layout, no stat is rewarded to the thrower.
I also recorded assists which basically told us what we already know: handlers throw the most scores. The other stat I took was the "dumb throw stat" This stat is used to record when players make an ill-advised throw to a player that may not be open. It may be a turf, and extremely low throw, but it always results in a turn. Now onto the Saturday games...
First game was at 9 against Maharishi. Didn't make it in time for this game but IHUC was victorious in something like 13-4 or 13-3. Next game was against North Park. The stats I took didn't reveal all that much about anything. Gleason got a footblock but also forced up 2 shit hucks. He also had 2 quality hucks to outweigh those shit hucks. Shit hucks aren't always bad though. Against a team like North Park who turns the disc a lot, shit hucks can just be looked at as punts. Against a Colorado or Stanford, we will have to take less of these calculated risks because those teams rarely if ever turn the disc. Player of the game was Elliot with 2 quality hucks and 4 assists. Other notable stats were Beltz with a D, Cooper with a footblock, Shark with a D, and Bk with a D. We kept this team in the game for way too long. I don't think we pulled away until it was something like 4-4. The reason they were in the game was because of stupid drops/turns. If we are going to make a dumb throw to a cutter that has a hard mark on him then lets at least be out of our own end zone.
Next game against Grinnel. Stats all over the place so I can tell that a lot of rookies played this game. Adam, Nick, Elliot and BK had D's while Ed, Garrett and Dudge had footblocks. Our team ratio of quality hucks to shitty hucks was 4/4. That doesn't sound too hot but we made up for it in the next game. Easy drops/turns and dumb throws were up this game though. If we can work on lowering our easy drop/turns per game to around 2, instead of 4-5, we will be a much better team.
Illinois X was the 2nd best team in our pool so it wasn't going to be an easy win. I'd say one of the biggest reasons we won was that we made smart decisions. Our hucks were 100 percent money the whole game, 10 quality and only 1 shitty huck. We also only had 1 easy drop/turn the entire game. All of this and 6 d's across the board resulted in a 5 or 6 point victory. Player of the game was Gleason with 5 quality hucks and 7 assists.
Rookie game was fucking hilarious. Mike and Garrett had to have earned some street cred for not being fucking idiots with stupid throws. Dropped pull by "girlfriend" may have nullified what was earned by boyfriend however.
After all this madness I went home and showered even though I didn't get to play all weekend. Thought we were going to go over to one of the girls house after the rookies tore up homecoming but that never happened. Instead, Bradley and I decided to go win 10 straight games of beer pong. We were then defeated by some scrub team for the sole fact that I could barely stand up after 10 games of beer pong. Don't remember exactly what happened after this, there were some girls in the basement from saucy I assume. Garrett, Nick and Sergei got back and I talked to Nick for a little while and then decided to walk back to my place. I believe I ran into a group consisting of Garrett, Bk and someone else. I proceeded to give BK my weed and then walk home. I remember walking in the street the entire time for no apparent reason. Once I turned on to my street which is about a 5 minute walk from Sean's an idea hit me. Keep in mind that I was at the point of the night where any idea that popped into my head seemed like a great idea.
I decided to go exploring. I walked on the sidewalk, barely able to hold a straight path, right past my house. I then sat down indian style on the sidewalk. I pondered my next course of action. Eventually I decided I was going to sneak around to one of my neighbors house and ding dong ditch them. The lived across the street about 3 houses down from mine. A normal person would probably just run up to the door and ring the doorbell then run away. A winky would decide to cut through his yard and his neighbors yard, hop the neighbors fence, and hide behind it in fear that someone may be onto him. After resting for a minute or so Winky then proceeded to cut through all of the rest of his neighbors yards; making his way around the cul de sack to the target house. In the middle of this rampage I remembered that the target house also housed a milf. A new objective was now clearly present: lure the milf out of the house so I can see if shes still a cutie.
It took around 5 minutes (drunk time) to make it around to the target house. My game plan was simple, chill in the bushes on the side of the house around 20 feet from the front door. When the time was right I would walk up to the door, ring the doorbell, and then proceed to a new location across the street where I would have a good view of the door. In the ideal world everything would be executed according to plan. Basically, if I wasn't drunk I think I could have pulled this off.
It all happened so fast, I went up to the door and rang the doorbell. Then I just froze. I couldn't think of anything to do. I didn't even know where I was. I kind of just stood there for who the hell knows how long. I don't even remember if anyone answered the door, I just remember eventually running across the street and into one of my neighbors backyards. I knew that I had to get back inside because I was clearly a liability. Actually that's that I thought after I woke up the next morning, at the time I was probably just really hungry. Went inside and saw that it was like 1:30, fucking stupid. Parents were asleep, thank god.
The next morning I woke up at 8 and tried to walk around but my foot still hurt so I couldn't play. Decided it'd be better to sleep rather than drive to the fields with my BAC still way above the legal limit. Woke up again at 10 and still felt like I was 3 beers up. Ouch.
Overall Glory days seemed like a sweet tournament and I'd like to play in it next year.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
10/11/07 Practice
Deductions from the statistics gathered from Ed and Zupan:
1. Dudge is our best player. 4 d's, 1 completed huck, and 2 scores
2. The taller you are, the more likely you are to get a score. Shark and Zack 3 scores, Dudge 2, all others who scored: 1.
3. Zupan lays out even if hes not in the game.
4. Rookies don't play defense. Gleason, BK, Spaulding, Peter, Beltz, Dudge, Shark, and Alex were the only players to get D's.
5. The shorter you are the more likely you are to get broken.
6. Garret is a strawberry blond
7. Most rookies don't have any stats.
8. BK and Gleason huck the most
9. Dumping should not be as hard as it appeared to be.
10. The longer you hold onto the disc, the harder it gets to find a dump.
Overall, the stats don't reveal that much about the difference each individual player makes on the field. I wouldn't give them to much merit, except for the Drops/turns, D, and broken.
1. Dudge is our best player. 4 d's, 1 completed huck, and 2 scores
2. The taller you are, the more likely you are to get a score. Shark and Zack 3 scores, Dudge 2, all others who scored: 1.
3. Zupan lays out even if hes not in the game.
4. Rookies don't play defense. Gleason, BK, Spaulding, Peter, Beltz, Dudge, Shark, and Alex were the only players to get D's.
5. The shorter you are the more likely you are to get broken.
6. Garret is a strawberry blond
7. Most rookies don't have any stats.
8. BK and Gleason huck the most
9. Dumping should not be as hard as it appeared to be.
10. The longer you hold onto the disc, the harder it gets to find a dump.
Overall, the stats don't reveal that much about the difference each individual player makes on the field. I wouldn't give them to much merit, except for the Drops/turns, D, and broken.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
5 Funniest People you'll see around campus
Not in any particular order. Wanted to do 10 but I'm too tired. Will add 5 more later on.
2 Xtremes 1st Cigarette at age 2 ^
1. Kid that just picked up smoking cigarettes
I love this kid. He can be seen lighting up immediately after leaving the dorms. It will usually take him around 30 seconds to light his cig, and another half minute to keep it lit. He will ALWAYS be smoking Marlboro Lights. These diamonds in the rough are sometimes hard to spot. They will usually be attempting to hid the cigarette in their left hand. If you really want to try to spot these creatures in the wild then wait till you smell some cigarette smoke then quickly look down and scan the left hands of those in front of you. This little trick always works because "kid that just picked up smoking cigarettes" has no fucking clue that everyone walking behind him wants to push him into the Iowa River for blowing smoke right into everyones face.
2. Kid that blows hard at crossing the street
Fuck this kid. Take off your fucking Ipod and have a look around at this thing we call the world. Just because you can't hear the cars doesn't mean they don't exist. Do you honestly think that it's ok to cross the street 20 seconds after the walk sign has been replaced by the don't walk sign? It's not. And you should also realize that just because you are wearing birkenstock sandals, a messenger bag and a Death Cab for Cutie T shirt does not mean that you are entitled to force everyone in their cars to wait an extra 15 seconds on a green light for your indie ass to get across Madison Street.
3. Kid that sits by same girl every single lecture.
This is one of those situations where I just feel completely awful. Random jacked black dude sits next to same cute (not hot, cute), innocent, blond girl in every lecture. No matter where she sits, he follows her and proceeds to NOT talk to her at all. How weird is that? What can you even do in that situation? The guy is just completely clueless and the girl is probably just hoping he hasn't found out where she lives yet. I can only giggle at this situation. That and thank god that I was blessed with a Y chromosome.
4. Guy/girl who is like 30+ and still in undergrad classes
Another awkward and not even really funny situation. The only really funny part is how fing weird these guys are. There can never be a normal old guy, they all have some flaw. It may be massive amounts of facial hair, attempting to answer the easiest questions with a complicated response, or trying to exhibit alpha male status over the class as they are "older" than the TA. No matter what, old guy/girl will try to act normal; sadly they will never be accepted because they saw the fall of the Berlin wall while we only read about it.
5. Random ass goof that is in a Frat
I absolutely heart these guys. I feel like a little part of me dies every single time I see the most antistereotypical frat guy walking to class wearing a Greek shirt. 90% of my other stereotypes are right, these guys are just statistical anomalies. You can usually tell who these guys are by what they talk about. I usually eavesdrop on these guys at the bus stop or even on the bus so I can be further enlightened of their mysterious ways. I'd say half the time they can be heard saying something to the extent of, "Damn bro if we knew the bus was gonna take this long we could of gotten in another game of SMASH." Its usually a safe bet to assume you have spotted a random ass frat goof or Froof if you see a pack of 4-5 guys, 2-3 of whom are slightly obese, wearing at least 1 high school football shirt and or 1-2 bar crawl t-shirts.
2 Xtremes 1st Cigarette at age 2 ^
1. Kid that just picked up smoking cigarettes
I love this kid. He can be seen lighting up immediately after leaving the dorms. It will usually take him around 30 seconds to light his cig, and another half minute to keep it lit. He will ALWAYS be smoking Marlboro Lights. These diamonds in the rough are sometimes hard to spot. They will usually be attempting to hid the cigarette in their left hand. If you really want to try to spot these creatures in the wild then wait till you smell some cigarette smoke then quickly look down and scan the left hands of those in front of you. This little trick always works because "kid that just picked up smoking cigarettes" has no fucking clue that everyone walking behind him wants to push him into the Iowa River for blowing smoke right into everyones face.
2. Kid that blows hard at crossing the street
Fuck this kid. Take off your fucking Ipod and have a look around at this thing we call the world. Just because you can't hear the cars doesn't mean they don't exist. Do you honestly think that it's ok to cross the street 20 seconds after the walk sign has been replaced by the don't walk sign? It's not. And you should also realize that just because you are wearing birkenstock sandals, a messenger bag and a Death Cab for Cutie T shirt does not mean that you are entitled to force everyone in their cars to wait an extra 15 seconds on a green light for your indie ass to get across Madison Street.
3. Kid that sits by same girl every single lecture.
This is one of those situations where I just feel completely awful. Random jacked black dude sits next to same cute (not hot, cute), innocent, blond girl in every lecture. No matter where she sits, he follows her and proceeds to NOT talk to her at all. How weird is that? What can you even do in that situation? The guy is just completely clueless and the girl is probably just hoping he hasn't found out where she lives yet. I can only giggle at this situation. That and thank god that I was blessed with a Y chromosome.
4. Guy/girl who is like 30+ and still in undergrad classes
Another awkward and not even really funny situation. The only really funny part is how fing weird these guys are. There can never be a normal old guy, they all have some flaw. It may be massive amounts of facial hair, attempting to answer the easiest questions with a complicated response, or trying to exhibit alpha male status over the class as they are "older" than the TA. No matter what, old guy/girl will try to act normal; sadly they will never be accepted because they saw the fall of the Berlin wall while we only read about it.
5. Random ass goof that is in a Frat
I absolutely heart these guys. I feel like a little part of me dies every single time I see the most antistereotypical frat guy walking to class wearing a Greek shirt. 90% of my other stereotypes are right, these guys are just statistical anomalies. You can usually tell who these guys are by what they talk about. I usually eavesdrop on these guys at the bus stop or even on the bus so I can be further enlightened of their mysterious ways. I'd say half the time they can be heard saying something to the extent of, "Damn bro if we knew the bus was gonna take this long we could of gotten in another game of SMASH." Its usually a safe bet to assume you have spotted a random ass frat goof or Froof if you see a pack of 4-5 guys, 2-3 of whom are slightly obese, wearing at least 1 high school football shirt and or 1-2 bar crawl t-shirts.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
The Urchin
Ever wondered what the sperm of a Sea Urchin look like? Ever even stopped to consider that other animals have sperm too? Me neither. I guess maybe at one point in my life I was an immature kid obsessed with dick and fart jokes. I guess maybe I may have considered that animals have sperm too. But ever since visualizing the scene of a woman fucking a horse presented in 40 year old virgin, I haven't thought too much about animals sperm. Until this morning.
Woke up around 7 with a big stupid boner that I didn't know what to do with. Tried to think about old people and shit so I could pee in the sink before going down to eat but that didn't work. Finally I just decided to jank in the shower. Janking in the shower is fucking boss. I've only done it like 10 times in my life cause I thought it was kind of disrespectful to the act of janking, but that philosophy has since been amended. I wasnt even horny I was just sick of this nagging boner, and I needed to clear my head for my big test at 5:30.
Got on the bus and headed over to Biology Building to go to lab. This lab was some type of analysis of a procedure we performed last lab. I figured we'd be in and out, after all we had a big test later that night. I walk in the room, sit down, and shot the bull with my lab partner for a little while. Eventually I wondered wtf we were going to be doing today because on the chalk board was all this shit about looking at eggs being fertilized under the microscope. So I got up and went up to the front table where all the materials we use to perform the lab are located. I see a standard sized bucket with fucking urchins in it. Urchins are the bane of my existence. They do no one any good, and that's including other plants and animals, not just humans. Anyways, there are like 5 purple spiky urchins in the bucket.
Class gets started, we talk about where we are sitting for the exam and what to bring. Then the teacher, [lesbian bud smoker with a butch hair cut(non-discriminatory, only for visualization purposes)]Katherine, decided to pick up an urchin and start talking about how they procreate. She then picks an urchin up along with a syringe of 5M KCl and proceeds to inject the urchin in the bottom squishy part with the KCl. She said that the KCl will shock the nervous system and make it bust its load, either sperm or egg, all over the petri dish that she placed it on.
I'm sitting there the whole time picturing a couple tiny eggs, dripping out of the bottom of the urchin, completely out of sight from the whole class. While I'm sitting their visualizing this normal, appropriate thought, Katherine starts freaking out because it's busting a fat nut all over the petri dish. At this point my memory gets a little sketchy as a result of my frenzied state. I could not possibly fathom this much sperm coming from this small of a creature. For a comparisons sake, The amount of sperm that came from this perverted, sick creature could have filled up a shot glass to the brim. I'm talking milky sperm, whole milk with the cream on top. This stuff looked exactly like the man juice you and I are familiar with.
This little guy is the little engine that could. I only aspire to be able to bust a load as big as him.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Hillcrest Market Place never ceases to amaze me.
All I have to look forward to after my 2.5 - 4 hours of chemistry every Tuesday morning is the delicious sandwich I will soon order from the Hillcrest sandwich line. Usually it's the simple Turkey on Whole Grain, with lettuce, tomato, provolone cheese and maybe some mayonnaise. You know, the standard American sandwich. Then, out of the blue, something changed.
It all began around 1230. I was doing the standard loop around each lunch station to see what each one had to offer. Fruit was cantaloupe, which is only like a 7/10 for me. I'll wait till apples/grapes tomorrow. Had yogurt this morning so thats a no go. Cottage cheese reminds me of a sick story I heard in high school so I can't eat that anymore. On to the next station.
Mexican station had enchiladas which I really wanted, but I had to wait to see what the other stations had to offer. Chinese station was picked over, other than the 4/10 eggrolls and 3/10 fried rice. Pizza and pasta have too many carbs so that station was off. The other 2 stations by pizza were picked over and I didn't want to wait for them to get restocked so I had narrowed my decision to a sandwich, enchilada, or cereal.
I made my way over to the sandwich station, which I always save for last because if I went there first I would never get anything but sandwiches. Out of the corner of my eye, right around the fruit/yogurt station, I see "it." I could feel the blood pumping through my veins and a slight warmth spread all throughout my body as I read the sign, "Chipotle Turkey Ciabatta." Ciabatta bread holds a place close to my heart having worked with it, consumed it, and respected it all summer at Panera.
At this point I felt that my day couldn't get any better, I'm gonna get a Chipotle Turkey sandwich on Ciabatta bread. Only then did I dare to read the other ingredients listed under the sandwich title. Field Greens (what Panera and I call them), Chipotle sauce, and red peppers. Simply unbelievable, this sandwich and I are a match made in heaven. Now it seemed that my biggest problem was picking what cheese would grace its presence on my masterpiece.
As I got closer to ordering, I had decided on provolone cheese. Seemed like a good balance between the spiciness of the chipotle sauce and red peppers. After I tell the lunch lady that I would like a Chipotle Turkey Ciabatta, I see the sign. Hidden, 3 feet to the left, it reads "Gouda Cheese." At this point I feel a little squirt in my crotchal reason and realize that I have had a wet day dream. I didn't even think that was possible. I immediately ask for a slice of gouda and tomato. I had reached Nirvana.
At this point I sat down and pretty much zoned out. Biology test on Thursday? - who cares, I've got a fucking bomb sandwich right in front of me. Wet spot on my shorts? - who cares, I just had the first wet day dream in the history of the human race.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Farting in Class
In my small interpretation of literature class (20 people on a good day), at around 930 am, a light squeeking noise could be heard anywhere within a 10 yard radius of Winky. No one would have noticed had anyone been talking. Instead I hear a 8/10 girl behind me giggle, and a 2/10 girl next to me smile, giggle, then look down when I look at her. I also see some bros (wearing high school football shirts) about 5 yards away from me giggling and looking around to see who is blushing.
I think, oh shit I can't believe I let that one through. I feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and embarassment setting in. Then it hits me like a brick to the face, who the fuck cares? Why should farting in class be any different than sneezing or coughing or getting boogers all over the place. All of the above are much grosser than farting and aren't followed by laughter. Farting can not transmit communicable diseases and really doesn't bother any of the senses except for smell. Of course, sharting should be exempt from this new standard. If the fart sounds at all wet, if any poop comes out, or if it is above and beyond a regular fart then you should definately laugh. But if its just a regular every day fart it should not be given any more attention than it deserves, which is NONE.
Comments/disagreements?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Urban Legend I: Winkys First HJ/BJ
It was the summer following my junior year of high school. Tensions were high as I was about to get drunk for my 3rd time ever. It all started when Nicole invited us over around 8 because her parents were downtown Chicago for whatever reason. Randy, Jordan, and I headed over to Nicole's house to pick her up. Why the fuck would we do that you say? Because she had the fake ID. Anywho we picked up some gay ass girly shit, think Goldschlick vodka and captain morgan. After we had the goods in hand, we went back over to her place and kicked it for an hour before we tapped into the supply. Stevens showed up around this time with some beer and a couple girls.
Jordan proceeded to kill the gold vodka with Nicole. I think I had something like 2 or 3 beers and like 2 shots. Witty showed up at like 10 for God knows why. I was buzzing like a bee for about a half hour, still unsure about this whole phenomena of being "drunk." I sat on the couch for like 15 minutes just watching TV, I think we were watching the Disney Channel. Jordan was sitting in a regular arm chair and I was in the middle of the couch. Nicole came over and brought a blanket and pretty much sat right on top of me. I immediately thought, "OMG i'm gonna have to touch this bitches vag, damn." I think it took me about 5 minutes of debating before I finally came to a realization of my fate. Tonight is the night for me to finger this bitch, no matter how smelly and gross and sweaty it is, tonight is my fucking night. After this epiphany I proceeded to touch her vagine. She was wearing those black pants that girls at like Fridays and Chilis wear, kinda stretchy and very tight. Too bad she is a little bit on the thicker side. She looks like the girl that turns into a blueberry in Willy Wonka and is in the fat sorority at KU.
So my hands down there for like 10 minutes. I don't even think my brain was telling it what to do, it just had a mind of its own. Eventually she starts making out with me which is fucking stupid in my opinion because like I gotta concentrate on other things too. Eventually I pull my hand out because I feel like I may never be able to scrub out the stench of her cooter. Of course, after I pull out I wait for her to look away for a second so that I can smell my fingers. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if this chick pooped her pants.
My hands been out for 10 seconds at this point and I have just smelled the most unholy scent this Earth will ever see. So of course I want some more. She asks if we want to go up to her bedroom and I confirm that I would be "ok" with that. Gotta play it cool if you want bitches to be all over your shit. So we get in her bed and I take her shirt off and all that jazz. She has the sickest cone tits I've ever seen. I'm talking straight deformed. That wasn't the worst part though. She also has diabetes so she has to wear a little insulin monitor thing around her waist the whole time. I forgot about it until I was taking her shirt off and immediately started laughing when I saw it. I don't think she knew that I was laughing at her mp3 player.
Now things get a little bit graphic, so heed this warning.
I take off my shorts or whatever and she grabs my D. I was just thinking chill the fuck out and be nice to my boy. She was not being gentle at all and I felt like she was trying to rip my boner off. She tried to make out with me and I was kind of hesitant at first because I figured the HJ would only get worse if she was doing two things at once. So I made out with her for like a couple seconds, it was definately passionate though. Then she starts saying some crazy shit about how she doesn't like giving head. I said something like Oh yeah thats cool don't worry about it, playing it cool. The whole time I knew I was gonna get head, who does she think she is? 5 minutes after that she finally goes down under and does that whole thing for like 10 minutes.
Now comes the crazy part. She tells me to grab a condom from her dresser or something to bang her. I was just like hell fucking no you are gross and I couldn't live with myself. Of course I said something like "you're too drunk" but I wanted to say what I was thinking. So she tries to convince me but I was having none of it. Now we negotiate a compromise, she pulls out a flesh colored Dildo from her dresser and tells me to use it on her. I'm freakin out at this point, this thing is fucking sick. At the same time I was also thinking, damn I'm knockin 4 birds out with one stone. Fingering a girl, HJ, BJ, and dildo. That and, not many guys have dildoed a girl. So I'm fucking into this shit, the whole didlo thing was pretty tight. Your fingers don't get smelly and you feel like a porn star.
So I do that for like 10 minutes and get her goin. It's like 11 30 at this point and Randy is gonna give me and Jordan a ride home. So Jordan comes up and walks in which was pretty awkward for her, I really didn't feel awkward at all. I get dressed and thank her for the HJ. Then we drive around for a little while and talk about the whole experience.
I hope to post a new Urban Legend every month, so be on the lookout.
The 10 Types of Ultimate Players
1. The Fat/Out of Shape Handler with good throws.
Note that this guy doesn't always have to be fat, he could also be a cookie monster. 1 in every 2 teams will have one of these guys. He only goes out for O points, which means if you get a quick D there will be one mismatch on the field. This guy plays really poachey D and is usually one of the captains/leaders of the team.
2. The Rule Nazi
1 in every 2 teams is fortunate enough to have a mediocre ultimate player that makes his presence on the field known by his extensive knowledge of the UPA rulebook. This guy will usually be wearing some type of dorky/nerdy hat and a jersey from one of the 10000 summer leagues hes played in. No matter what the call on the field is, he will have to explain the rule and his interpretation of it.
3. Seizure Guy
1 in every 1 team should have a seizure guy for at least the first couple tournaments. Usually a rookie, he will get the disc on maybe a 5 yard throw from a handler. Following his dramatic reception he will flail his arms wildly all over the place while looking around for and handler. He may transfer the disc from hand to hand for God knows why. Usually he will hold the disc extremely high for at least half of the stall count with no intention of making a decent throw. When the stall count hits 7 theres usually a swilly throw to be made with absolutely no spin on the disc what so ever. To make matters worse, whenever the other team sees a seizure guy, they will immediately yell "not a thrower" to further boost his confidence in finding a dump.
4. Talented Ultimate Player who never comes to practice
1 in every 3 teams has a talented guy that never comes to practice. He may be a captain, he may be one of the quickest guys on the team, and he may be one of the best players. He will likely make an excuse such as "I was injured" when called out on his absence. Most of the time, a lack of stretching, warming up, or off season training can be attributed to these injuries. He will usually wear a trucker hat while playing.
5. Rookie Handler
1 in every 5 teams has a rookie handler. Said handler has played organized ultimate since age 7 and threw his first hammer for a score at age 10. Rook Handler did massive research on his schools ultimate team before making a decision on where to go for college. Rook handler will know at least 5 players on other teams at each ultimate tournament from high school or youth ultimate. These boyfriends will act extremely surprised/flirtatious and may be seen kissing or holding hands at the party. Most rook handlers know someone named Dusean who is supposedly a God amongst mortals on the field.
6. Random Black guy
1 in every 10 teams has a random, black guy. 1 in every 2 random black guys is actually fast and athletic. Therefore, 1 in every 20 teams has an athletic black guy. Don't be fooled, by his cool spikes and bulging calf muscles, this guy will not have throws. This guy will be looking to cut deep so just give him in cuts so you don't look like a girl when his weener is in ur face while hes skying you in the endzone. This guy is not a thug, hes usually a pretty nice guy that picked up ultimate after he realized he could prey on white boys that can't jump as high or cut as hard as him. Another word of advice, do not refer to him as "blackie" when you are deciding who you want to guard.
7. Bitch work
Every team has a couple guys do all the bitch work. Bitch work usually involved playing the Cup on Zone D, stopping a pulled disc that is rolling, or basically surrendering all free will at ultimate tournaments. Bitch work will be tired as hell after each point. Bitch work will also be forced to sit bitch on every car ride. Bitch work must take their jobs VERY seriously. Without bitch work, ultimate would likely not be the sport that it is today.
8. Free Spirit
Every single team has a free spirit. Free spirit will show up to practice barefoot. Free spirit is a vegan, and a level 2 scientologist. Free spirit only eats organic foods and wears hemp bracelets. Hair is usually long, dreadlocks, and may nest small birds. Free spirit was born 30 years too late. Free spirit loves swilly throws and was made to play at City park. No one knows anything about Free spirit other than his first name/ nickname.
9. 2 xtreme
1 in every 5 teams is fortunate enough to have 2 Xtreme. 2 Xtreme is a huck monster that will throw every huck to a spot where the receiver MUST lay out to get it. 2 Xtreme will usually be super pissed when said receiver doesn't lay out to get a disc that could have easily been put a little higher for a much easier catch. 2 Xtreme lays out, but not nearly as much as he should for being as "extreme" as he comes off as. 2 Xtreme lives on Mountain Dew and energy drinks. 2 Xtreme's favorite movie is Brink because he is strictly a soul skater and will never be an X-Bladz sell out. 2 Xtreme loves the outdoors and has probably done a fair share of drugs. 2 Xtreme once did 3 power hours in a row followed by 4 shut out games of beer pong. He then fucked every every girl at said party. 2 Xtreme is the fucking shit.
10. 2 Xtreme's protege
1 in every 100 teams has a 2 Xtreme protege. 2 Xtremes protege does everything he can to be as extreme as 2 Xtreme, but it never seems to cut it. 2 Xtremes protege would give 2 Xtreme a hand job if he would just ball up and ask for it.
Note that this guy doesn't always have to be fat, he could also be a cookie monster. 1 in every 2 teams will have one of these guys. He only goes out for O points, which means if you get a quick D there will be one mismatch on the field. This guy plays really poachey D and is usually one of the captains/leaders of the team.
2. The Rule Nazi
1 in every 2 teams is fortunate enough to have a mediocre ultimate player that makes his presence on the field known by his extensive knowledge of the UPA rulebook. This guy will usually be wearing some type of dorky/nerdy hat and a jersey from one of the 10000 summer leagues hes played in. No matter what the call on the field is, he will have to explain the rule and his interpretation of it.
3. Seizure Guy
1 in every 1 team should have a seizure guy for at least the first couple tournaments. Usually a rookie, he will get the disc on maybe a 5 yard throw from a handler. Following his dramatic reception he will flail his arms wildly all over the place while looking around for and handler. He may transfer the disc from hand to hand for God knows why. Usually he will hold the disc extremely high for at least half of the stall count with no intention of making a decent throw. When the stall count hits 7 theres usually a swilly throw to be made with absolutely no spin on the disc what so ever. To make matters worse, whenever the other team sees a seizure guy, they will immediately yell "not a thrower" to further boost his confidence in finding a dump.
4. Talented Ultimate Player who never comes to practice
1 in every 3 teams has a talented guy that never comes to practice. He may be a captain, he may be one of the quickest guys on the team, and he may be one of the best players. He will likely make an excuse such as "I was injured" when called out on his absence. Most of the time, a lack of stretching, warming up, or off season training can be attributed to these injuries. He will usually wear a trucker hat while playing.
5. Rookie Handler
1 in every 5 teams has a rookie handler. Said handler has played organized ultimate since age 7 and threw his first hammer for a score at age 10. Rook Handler did massive research on his schools ultimate team before making a decision on where to go for college. Rook handler will know at least 5 players on other teams at each ultimate tournament from high school or youth ultimate. These boyfriends will act extremely surprised/flirtatious and may be seen kissing or holding hands at the party. Most rook handlers know someone named Dusean who is supposedly a God amongst mortals on the field.
6. Random Black guy
1 in every 10 teams has a random, black guy. 1 in every 2 random black guys is actually fast and athletic. Therefore, 1 in every 20 teams has an athletic black guy. Don't be fooled, by his cool spikes and bulging calf muscles, this guy will not have throws. This guy will be looking to cut deep so just give him in cuts so you don't look like a girl when his weener is in ur face while hes skying you in the endzone. This guy is not a thug, hes usually a pretty nice guy that picked up ultimate after he realized he could prey on white boys that can't jump as high or cut as hard as him. Another word of advice, do not refer to him as "blackie" when you are deciding who you want to guard.
7. Bitch work
Every team has a couple guys do all the bitch work. Bitch work usually involved playing the Cup on Zone D, stopping a pulled disc that is rolling, or basically surrendering all free will at ultimate tournaments. Bitch work will be tired as hell after each point. Bitch work will also be forced to sit bitch on every car ride. Bitch work must take their jobs VERY seriously. Without bitch work, ultimate would likely not be the sport that it is today.
8. Free Spirit
Every single team has a free spirit. Free spirit will show up to practice barefoot. Free spirit is a vegan, and a level 2 scientologist. Free spirit only eats organic foods and wears hemp bracelets. Hair is usually long, dreadlocks, and may nest small birds. Free spirit was born 30 years too late. Free spirit loves swilly throws and was made to play at City park. No one knows anything about Free spirit other than his first name/ nickname.
9. 2 xtreme
1 in every 5 teams is fortunate enough to have 2 Xtreme. 2 Xtreme is a huck monster that will throw every huck to a spot where the receiver MUST lay out to get it. 2 Xtreme will usually be super pissed when said receiver doesn't lay out to get a disc that could have easily been put a little higher for a much easier catch. 2 Xtreme lays out, but not nearly as much as he should for being as "extreme" as he comes off as. 2 Xtreme lives on Mountain Dew and energy drinks. 2 Xtreme's favorite movie is Brink because he is strictly a soul skater and will never be an X-Bladz sell out. 2 Xtreme loves the outdoors and has probably done a fair share of drugs. 2 Xtreme once did 3 power hours in a row followed by 4 shut out games of beer pong. He then fucked every every girl at said party. 2 Xtreme is the fucking shit.
10. 2 Xtreme's protege
1 in every 100 teams has a 2 Xtreme protege. 2 Xtremes protege does everything he can to be as extreme as 2 Xtreme, but it never seems to cut it. 2 Xtremes protege would give 2 Xtreme a hand job if he would just ball up and ask for it.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Should I Mb8?
So I'm sitting here at my computer. It's 1228, Bender just left and Sean has been gone for a while. I havent mb8ed in like 3 days. On one hand, it's good not to Mb8 because then you will be hornier when you go out at night and be more likely to talk to girls. On the other hand you have to walk around all day thinking about banging every girl you see. That and the random boners. I've decided that I will probably just abstain for now.
So I ditched my first class of the semester, Bio 2 lecture. I really don't have any reason for ditching other than the fact that I didn't get my stats homework done last night. Instead I'm sitting here rolling a joint, drinking a beer, and listening to Daft Punk. I am going to go to my Biostats lecture at 1:30 tho because I need to turn in my shit homework and because I'm selling my football ticket to some bro after class.
My tentative schedule for this weekend following stats is something like this:
3-5 Drink
5- City park ultimate (drinking)
7 - Drink and maybe go to buddys apartment to drink
12ish - Come back home and write a new blog entry, probably having something to do with my theories on girls pooping.
Tomorrow - Wake up around 11, watch the football game, chill with buddies from out of town then eventually hit up Zacks 20th birthday party. Gonna be a money night.
Sunday - Plan on waking up pretty late followed by ultimate then some homework.
So I ditched my first class of the semester, Bio 2 lecture. I really don't have any reason for ditching other than the fact that I didn't get my stats homework done last night. Instead I'm sitting here rolling a joint, drinking a beer, and listening to Daft Punk. I am going to go to my Biostats lecture at 1:30 tho because I need to turn in my shit homework and because I'm selling my football ticket to some bro after class.
My tentative schedule for this weekend following stats is something like this:
3-5 Drink
5- City park ultimate (drinking)
7 - Drink and maybe go to buddys apartment to drink
12ish - Come back home and write a new blog entry, probably having something to do with my theories on girls pooping.
Tomorrow - Wake up around 11, watch the football game, chill with buddies from out of town then eventually hit up Zacks 20th birthday party. Gonna be a money night.
Sunday - Plan on waking up pretty late followed by ultimate then some homework.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
This is gonna be sweet....
Mike has a blog now. He can write about his thoughts, feelings, things that happened to him throughout the day, things he plans to do tomorrow, etc. I think I'd like to see a lot of lists, too. Like a list of things that Mike ate today and his reaction to them, or a top three ugly girl list, where he describes the three ugliest girls that he encountered during the week and what type of animal each one most closely resembled. This site might even have a feature where he could try to sketch them.
I have a feeling that Mike's spelling and punctuation skills are somewhere near a sixth grade level, so let's all bear with him for a while and give him a chance. This is an unprecedented opportunity for all of us to peek inside Mike's head and see what's going on in there.
Take it away, Mike.
--Crotty
I have a feeling that Mike's spelling and punctuation skills are somewhere near a sixth grade level, so let's all bear with him for a while and give him a chance. This is an unprecedented opportunity for all of us to peek inside Mike's head and see what's going on in there.
Take it away, Mike.
--Crotty
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
