The 10 Types of Ultimate Players

1. The Fat/Out of Shape Handler with good throws.
Note that this guy doesn't always have to be fat, he could also be a cookie monster. 1 in every 2 teams will have one of these guys. He only goes out for O points, which means if you get a quick D there will be one mismatch on the field. This guy plays really poachey D and is usually one of the captains/leaders of the team.

2. The Rule Nazi
1 in every 2 teams is fortunate enough to have a mediocre ultimate player that makes his presence on the field known by his extensive knowledge of the UPA rulebook. This guy will usually be wearing some type of dorky/nerdy hat and a jersey from one of the 10000 summer leagues hes played in. No matter what the call on the field is, he will have to explain the rule and his interpretation of it.

3. Seizure Guy
1 in every 1 team should have a seizure guy for at least the first couple tournaments. Usually a rookie, he will get the disc on maybe a 5 yard throw from a handler. Following his dramatic reception he will flail his arms wildly all over the place while looking around for and handler. He may transfer the disc from hand to hand for God knows why. Usually he will hold the disc extremely high for at least half of the stall count with no intention of making a decent throw. When the stall count hits 7 theres usually a swilly throw to be made with absolutely no spin on the disc what so ever. To make matters worse, whenever the other team sees a seizure guy, they will immediately yell "not a thrower" to further boost his confidence in finding a dump.

4. Talented Ultimate Player who never comes to practice
1 in every 3 teams has a talented guy that never comes to practice. He may be a captain, he may be one of the quickest guys on the team, and he may be one of the best players. He will likely make an excuse such as "I was injured" when called out on his absence. Most of the time, a lack of stretching, warming up, or off season training can be attributed to these injuries. He will usually wear a trucker hat while playing.

5. Rookie Handler
1 in every 5 teams has a rookie handler. Said handler has played organized ultimate since age 7 and threw his first hammer for a score at age 10. Rook Handler did massive research on his schools ultimate team before making a decision on where to go for college. Rook handler will know at least 5 players on other teams at each ultimate tournament from high school or youth ultimate. These boyfriends will act extremely surprised/flirtatious and may be seen kissing or holding hands at the party. Most rook handlers know someone named Dusean who is supposedly a God amongst mortals on the field.

6. Random Black guy
1 in every 10 teams has a random, black guy. 1 in every 2 random black guys is actually fast and athletic. Therefore, 1 in every 20 teams has an athletic black guy. Don't be fooled, by his cool spikes and bulging calf muscles, this guy will not have throws. This guy will be looking to cut deep so just give him in cuts so you don't look like a girl when his weener is in ur face while hes skying you in the endzone. This guy is not a thug, hes usually a pretty nice guy that picked up ultimate after he realized he could prey on white boys that can't jump as high or cut as hard as him. Another word of advice, do not refer to him as "blackie" when you are deciding who you want to guard.

7. Bitch work
Every team has a couple guys do all the bitch work. Bitch work usually involved playing the Cup on Zone D, stopping a pulled disc that is rolling, or basically surrendering all free will at ultimate tournaments. Bitch work will be tired as hell after each point. Bitch work will also be forced to sit bitch on every car ride. Bitch work must take their jobs VERY seriously. Without bitch work, ultimate would likely not be the sport that it is today.

8. Free Spirit
Every single team has a free spirit. Free spirit will show up to practice barefoot. Free spirit is a vegan, and a level 2 scientologist. Free spirit only eats organic foods and wears hemp bracelets. Hair is usually long, dreadlocks, and may nest small birds. Free spirit was born 30 years too late. Free spirit loves swilly throws and was made to play at City park. No one knows anything about Free spirit other than his first name/ nickname.

9. 2 xtreme
1 in every 5 teams is fortunate enough to have 2 Xtreme. 2 Xtreme is a huck monster that will throw every huck to a spot where the receiver MUST lay out to get it. 2 Xtreme will usually be super pissed when said receiver doesn't lay out to get a disc that could have easily been put a little higher for a much easier catch. 2 Xtreme lays out, but not nearly as much as he should for being as "extreme" as he comes off as. 2 Xtreme lives on Mountain Dew and energy drinks. 2 Xtreme's favorite movie is Brink because he is strictly a soul skater and will never be an X-Bladz sell out. 2 Xtreme loves the outdoors and has probably done a fair share of drugs. 2 Xtreme once did 3 power hours in a row followed by 4 shut out games of beer pong. He then fucked every every girl at said party. 2 Xtreme is the fucking shit.

10. 2 Xtreme's protege
1 in every 100 teams has a 2 Xtreme protege. 2 Xtremes protege does everything he can to be as extreme as 2 Xtreme, but it never seems to cut it. 2 Xtremes protege would give 2 Xtreme a hand job if he would just ball up and ask for it.