Urban Legend I: Winkys First HJ/BJ

It was the summer following my junior year of high school. Tensions were high as I was about to get drunk for my 3rd time ever. It all started when Nicole invited us over around 8 because her parents were downtown Chicago for whatever reason. Randy, Jordan, and I headed over to Nicole's house to pick her up. Why the fuck would we do that you say? Because she had the fake ID. Anywho we picked up some gay ass girly shit, think Goldschlick vodka and captain morgan. After we had the goods in hand, we went back over to her place and kicked it for an hour before we tapped into the supply. Stevens showed up around this time with some beer and a couple girls.

Jordan proceeded to kill the gold vodka with Nicole. I think I had something like 2 or 3 beers and like 2 shots. Witty showed up at like 10 for God knows why. I was buzzing like a bee for about a half hour, still unsure about this whole phenomena of being "drunk." I sat on the couch for like 15 minutes just watching TV, I think we were watching the Disney Channel. Jordan was sitting in a regular arm chair and I was in the middle of the couch. Nicole came over and brought a blanket and pretty much sat right on top of me. I immediately thought, "OMG i'm gonna have to touch this bitches vag, damn." I think it took me about 5 minutes of debating before I finally came to a realization of my fate. Tonight is the night for me to finger this bitch, no matter how smelly and gross and sweaty it is, tonight is my fucking night. After this epiphany I proceeded to touch her vagine. She was wearing those black pants that girls at like Fridays and Chilis wear, kinda stretchy and very tight. Too bad she is a little bit on the thicker side. She looks like the girl that turns into a blueberry in Willy Wonka and is in the fat sorority at KU.

So my hands down there for like 10 minutes. I don't even think my brain was telling it what to do, it just had a mind of its own. Eventually she starts making out with me which is fucking stupid in my opinion because like I gotta concentrate on other things too. Eventually I pull my hand out because I feel like I may never be able to scrub out the stench of her cooter. Of course, after I pull out I wait for her to look away for a second so that I can smell my fingers. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if this chick pooped her pants.

My hands been out for 10 seconds at this point and I have just smelled the most unholy scent this Earth will ever see. So of course I want some more. She asks if we want to go up to her bedroom and I confirm that I would be "ok" with that. Gotta play it cool if you want bitches to be all over your shit. So we get in her bed and I take her shirt off and all that jazz. She has the sickest cone tits I've ever seen. I'm talking straight deformed. That wasn't the worst part though. She also has diabetes so she has to wear a little insulin monitor thing around her waist the whole time. I forgot about it until I was taking her shirt off and immediately started laughing when I saw it. I don't think she knew that I was laughing at her mp3 player.

Now things get a little bit graphic, so heed this warning.

I take off my shorts or whatever and she grabs my D. I was just thinking chill the fuck out and be nice to my boy. She was not being gentle at all and I felt like she was trying to rip my boner off. She tried to make out with me and I was kind of hesitant at first because I figured the HJ would only get worse if she was doing two things at once. So I made out with her for like a couple seconds, it was definately passionate though. Then she starts saying some crazy shit about how she doesn't like giving head. I said something like Oh yeah thats cool don't worry about it, playing it cool. The whole time I knew I was gonna get head, who does she think she is? 5 minutes after that she finally goes down under and does that whole thing for like 10 minutes.

Now comes the crazy part. She tells me to grab a condom from her dresser or something to bang her. I was just like hell fucking no you are gross and I couldn't live with myself. Of course I said something like "you're too drunk" but I wanted to say what I was thinking. So she tries to convince me but I was having none of it. Now we negotiate a compromise, she pulls out a flesh colored Dildo from her dresser and tells me to use it on her. I'm freakin out at this point, this thing is fucking sick. At the same time I was also thinking, damn I'm knockin 4 birds out with one stone. Fingering a girl, HJ, BJ, and dildo. That and, not many guys have dildoed a girl. So I'm fucking into this shit, the whole didlo thing was pretty tight. Your fingers don't get smelly and you feel like a porn star.

So I do that for like 10 minutes and get her goin. It's like 11 30 at this point and Randy is gonna give me and Jordan a ride home. So Jordan comes up and walks in which was pretty awkward for her, I really didn't feel awkward at all. I get dressed and thank her for the HJ. Then we drive around for a little while and talk about the whole experience.

I hope to post a new Urban Legend every month, so be on the lookout.