Urban Legend I: Winkys First HJ/BJ

It was the summer following my junior year of high school. Tensions were high as I was about to get drunk for my 3rd time ever. It all started when Nicole invited us over around 8 because her parents were downtown Chicago for whatever reason. Randy, Jordan, and I headed over to Nicole's house to pick her up. Why the fuck would we do that you say? Because she had the fake ID. Anywho we picked up some gay ass girly shit, think Goldschlick vodka and captain morgan. After we had the goods in hand, we went back over to her place and kicked it for an hour before we tapped into the supply. Stevens showed up around this time with some beer and a couple girls.

Jordan proceeded to kill the gold vodka with Nicole. I think I had something like 2 or 3 beers and like 2 shots. Witty showed up at like 10 for God knows why. I was buzzing like a bee for about a half hour, still unsure about this whole phenomena of being "drunk." I sat on the couch for like 15 minutes just watching TV, I think we were watching the Disney Channel. Jordan was sitting in a regular arm chair and I was in the middle of the couch. Nicole came over and brought a blanket and pretty much sat right on top of me. I immediately thought, "OMG i'm gonna have to touch this bitches vag, damn." I think it took me about 5 minutes of debating before I finally came to a realization of my fate. Tonight is the night for me to finger this bitch, no matter how smelly and gross and sweaty it is, tonight is my fucking night. After this epiphany I proceeded to touch her vagine. She was wearing those black pants that girls at like Fridays and Chilis wear, kinda stretchy and very tight. Too bad she is a little bit on the thicker side. She looks like the girl that turns into a blueberry in Willy Wonka and is in the fat sorority at KU.

So my hands down there for like 10 minutes. I don't even think my brain was telling it what to do, it just had a mind of its own. Eventually she starts making out with me which is fucking stupid in my opinion because like I gotta concentrate on other things too. Eventually I pull my hand out because I feel like I may never be able to scrub out the stench of her cooter. Of course, after I pull out I wait for her to look away for a second so that I can smell my fingers. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if this chick pooped her pants.

My hands been out for 10 seconds at this point and I have just smelled the most unholy scent this Earth will ever see. So of course I want some more. She asks if we want to go up to her bedroom and I confirm that I would be "ok" with that. Gotta play it cool if you want bitches to be all over your shit. So we get in her bed and I take her shirt off and all that jazz. She has the sickest cone tits I've ever seen. I'm talking straight deformed. That wasn't the worst part though. She also has diabetes so she has to wear a little insulin monitor thing around her waist the whole time. I forgot about it until I was taking her shirt off and immediately started laughing when I saw it. I don't think she knew that I was laughing at her mp3 player.

Now things get a little bit graphic, so heed this warning.

I take off my shorts or whatever and she grabs my D. I was just thinking chill the fuck out and be nice to my boy. She was not being gentle at all and I felt like she was trying to rip my boner off. She tried to make out with me and I was kind of hesitant at first because I figured the HJ would only get worse if she was doing two things at once. So I made out with her for like a couple seconds, it was definately passionate though. Then she starts saying some crazy shit about how she doesn't like giving head. I said something like Oh yeah thats cool don't worry about it, playing it cool. The whole time I knew I was gonna get head, who does she think she is? 5 minutes after that she finally goes down under and does that whole thing for like 10 minutes.

Now comes the crazy part. She tells me to grab a condom from her dresser or something to bang her. I was just like hell fucking no you are gross and I couldn't live with myself. Of course I said something like "you're too drunk" but I wanted to say what I was thinking. So she tries to convince me but I was having none of it. Now we negotiate a compromise, she pulls out a flesh colored Dildo from her dresser and tells me to use it on her. I'm freakin out at this point, this thing is fucking sick. At the same time I was also thinking, damn I'm knockin 4 birds out with one stone. Fingering a girl, HJ, BJ, and dildo. That and, not many guys have dildoed a girl. So I'm fucking into this shit, the whole didlo thing was pretty tight. Your fingers don't get smelly and you feel like a porn star.

So I do that for like 10 minutes and get her goin. It's like 11 30 at this point and Randy is gonna give me and Jordan a ride home. So Jordan comes up and walks in which was pretty awkward for her, I really didn't feel awkward at all. I get dressed and thank her for the HJ. Then we drive around for a little while and talk about the whole experience.

I hope to post a new Urban Legend every month, so be on the lookout.

The 10 Types of Ultimate Players

1. The Fat/Out of Shape Handler with good throws.
Note that this guy doesn't always have to be fat, he could also be a cookie monster. 1 in every 2 teams will have one of these guys. He only goes out for O points, which means if you get a quick D there will be one mismatch on the field. This guy plays really poachey D and is usually one of the captains/leaders of the team.

2. The Rule Nazi
1 in every 2 teams is fortunate enough to have a mediocre ultimate player that makes his presence on the field known by his extensive knowledge of the UPA rulebook. This guy will usually be wearing some type of dorky/nerdy hat and a jersey from one of the 10000 summer leagues hes played in. No matter what the call on the field is, he will have to explain the rule and his interpretation of it.

3. Seizure Guy
1 in every 1 team should have a seizure guy for at least the first couple tournaments. Usually a rookie, he will get the disc on maybe a 5 yard throw from a handler. Following his dramatic reception he will flail his arms wildly all over the place while looking around for and handler. He may transfer the disc from hand to hand for God knows why. Usually he will hold the disc extremely high for at least half of the stall count with no intention of making a decent throw. When the stall count hits 7 theres usually a swilly throw to be made with absolutely no spin on the disc what so ever. To make matters worse, whenever the other team sees a seizure guy, they will immediately yell "not a thrower" to further boost his confidence in finding a dump.

4. Talented Ultimate Player who never comes to practice
1 in every 3 teams has a talented guy that never comes to practice. He may be a captain, he may be one of the quickest guys on the team, and he may be one of the best players. He will likely make an excuse such as "I was injured" when called out on his absence. Most of the time, a lack of stretching, warming up, or off season training can be attributed to these injuries. He will usually wear a trucker hat while playing.

5. Rookie Handler
1 in every 5 teams has a rookie handler. Said handler has played organized ultimate since age 7 and threw his first hammer for a score at age 10. Rook Handler did massive research on his schools ultimate team before making a decision on where to go for college. Rook handler will know at least 5 players on other teams at each ultimate tournament from high school or youth ultimate. These boyfriends will act extremely surprised/flirtatious and may be seen kissing or holding hands at the party. Most rook handlers know someone named Dusean who is supposedly a God amongst mortals on the field.

6. Random Black guy
1 in every 10 teams has a random, black guy. 1 in every 2 random black guys is actually fast and athletic. Therefore, 1 in every 20 teams has an athletic black guy. Don't be fooled, by his cool spikes and bulging calf muscles, this guy will not have throws. This guy will be looking to cut deep so just give him in cuts so you don't look like a girl when his weener is in ur face while hes skying you in the endzone. This guy is not a thug, hes usually a pretty nice guy that picked up ultimate after he realized he could prey on white boys that can't jump as high or cut as hard as him. Another word of advice, do not refer to him as "blackie" when you are deciding who you want to guard.

7. Bitch work
Every team has a couple guys do all the bitch work. Bitch work usually involved playing the Cup on Zone D, stopping a pulled disc that is rolling, or basically surrendering all free will at ultimate tournaments. Bitch work will be tired as hell after each point. Bitch work will also be forced to sit bitch on every car ride. Bitch work must take their jobs VERY seriously. Without bitch work, ultimate would likely not be the sport that it is today.

8. Free Spirit
Every single team has a free spirit. Free spirit will show up to practice barefoot. Free spirit is a vegan, and a level 2 scientologist. Free spirit only eats organic foods and wears hemp bracelets. Hair is usually long, dreadlocks, and may nest small birds. Free spirit was born 30 years too late. Free spirit loves swilly throws and was made to play at City park. No one knows anything about Free spirit other than his first name/ nickname.

9. 2 xtreme
1 in every 5 teams is fortunate enough to have 2 Xtreme. 2 Xtreme is a huck monster that will throw every huck to a spot where the receiver MUST lay out to get it. 2 Xtreme will usually be super pissed when said receiver doesn't lay out to get a disc that could have easily been put a little higher for a much easier catch. 2 Xtreme lays out, but not nearly as much as he should for being as "extreme" as he comes off as. 2 Xtreme lives on Mountain Dew and energy drinks. 2 Xtreme's favorite movie is Brink because he is strictly a soul skater and will never be an X-Bladz sell out. 2 Xtreme loves the outdoors and has probably done a fair share of drugs. 2 Xtreme once did 3 power hours in a row followed by 4 shut out games of beer pong. He then fucked every every girl at said party. 2 Xtreme is the fucking shit.

10. 2 Xtreme's protege
1 in every 100 teams has a 2 Xtreme protege. 2 Xtremes protege does everything he can to be as extreme as 2 Xtreme, but it never seems to cut it. 2 Xtremes protege would give 2 Xtreme a hand job if he would just ball up and ask for it.

Should I Mb8?

So I'm sitting here at my computer. It's 1228, Bender just left and Sean has been gone for a while. I havent mb8ed in like 3 days. On one hand, it's good not to Mb8 because then you will be hornier when you go out at night and be more likely to talk to girls. On the other hand you have to walk around all day thinking about banging every girl you see. That and the random boners. I've decided that I will probably just abstain for now.

So I ditched my first class of the semester, Bio 2 lecture. I really don't have any reason for ditching other than the fact that I didn't get my stats homework done last night. Instead I'm sitting here rolling a joint, drinking a beer, and listening to Daft Punk. I am going to go to my Biostats lecture at 1:30 tho because I need to turn in my shit homework and because I'm selling my football ticket to some bro after class.

My tentative schedule for this weekend following stats is something like this:
3-5 Drink
5- City park ultimate (drinking)
7 - Drink and maybe go to buddys apartment to drink
12ish - Come back home and write a new blog entry, probably having something to do with my theories on girls pooping.

Tomorrow - Wake up around 11, watch the football game, chill with buddies from out of town then eventually hit up Zacks 20th birthday party. Gonna be a money night.

Sunday - Plan on waking up pretty late followed by ultimate then some homework.

This is gonna be sweet....

Mike has a blog now. He can write about his thoughts, feelings, things that happened to him throughout the day, things he plans to do tomorrow, etc. I think I'd like to see a lot of lists, too. Like a list of things that Mike ate today and his reaction to them, or a top three ugly girl list, where he describes the three ugliest girls that he encountered during the week and what type of animal each one most closely resembled. This site might even have a feature where he could try to sketch them.

I have a feeling that Mike's spelling and punctuation skills are somewhere near a sixth grade level, so let's all bear with him for a while and give him a chance. This is an unprecedented opportunity for all of us to peek inside Mike's head and see what's going on in there.

Take it away, Mike.

--Crotty